Wednesday, 13 February 2008

Today is Our BIG Day

This morning we both go to the HIV clinic to find out if Barry is well enough to start HIV treatment and to see if I need to take antiretrovirals as yet!

This makes it a huge day - and VERY scary day for both of us.

Our hopes for Barry is he can start the treatment today - as without this his immune system will not recover ( his CD4 count will not go up and his HIV viral load will not go down) This is his only hope of living a lot longer and not dying from the next opportunistic infection that comes along - Keep your fingers crossed he can start today!!!

For me what I hope is...........
That I do not have to start HIV treatment yet. I have not had any infections like Barry and although I am worried about my memory, eyesight, stomach pains and tingling in my hands, all of which could be HIV or could not ..............

But I hope not and hope my CD4 count is good and viral load low enough for me not to have to start straight away.

I feel I need to get Barry over the initial few weeks - at least - of taking them as he is the one who is ill right now and I need to be OK to look after him.

Then once he is settled on them and feeling better and responding to them I will consider taking them myself. As by then he may be feeling well enough to look after me during the first few weeks of therapy. As the first few weeks do have side effects for everyone and it would be better if it was only one person going through this at a time not both of us.

With the modern HIV therapy as far as I can work out the side effects are mostly mental health based i.e vivid disturbing nightmares, euphoria and depression, moods swings, unpredictable behavior and it says that EVERYONE gets this to some degree.

In a way this may be OK for Barry as he does have good mental health and always has, so I think he will cope better than me.

Even now when he is so ill, now he has made up his mind to fight it and live as long as he can he is coping really well - and much better than me. He is getting up every morning and doing a few things, the stuff he can manage, and is not at all depressed now. Just concerned with getting well and making the most of life.

But I am not coping mentally well at all and I fear hugely what will happen if I am put on drugs that have adverse mental health effects.

Will write what happens when we get back later.
Dead scared right now!!!!!!!

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