Barry is Back from Hospital

Barry was allowed home from the hospital late yesterday afternoon.

I was too tired to write about it last night, and also this is the first time I have seen him alone - not in a hospital bed - since I found out he has HIV because he was unfaithful, so I was very upset and damn angry, I almost did not want him home.

He has not been let out because he is now well, but because they always need the beds and he is now on tablets and not IV medication and he is a little better every day and responding to the drugs.

I did not expect him home last night because for the last 3 days he has been told he may be able to go home that day, I have psyched myself up every day to go and get him, and it has never happened, so I was not prepared or ready late yesterday and in fact Caja picked him up and brought him home as I was in such a state myself again yesterday.

I seem to have alternate good and bad days - one day feeling OK the next, feeling sick, not able to eat, shaky, dizzy, in a panic state about the future etc, and yesterday I was really bad so it would have been unsafe for me to drive the 20 or so miles when he suddenly rang to say he was being discharged.

All I can say is - thank god for Caja right now - and thank god we paid for her lessons and got her through her driving test and bought her a car before this happened!!!

At the moment she is indispensable for us in terms of things like driving when I can not.
This does not seem to be an inconvenience for her, or too much to ask.

We are paying all her petrol and for her tax, insurance and running costs for her car anyway and as a new driver she is at the stage she enjoys to drive and whatever the excuse is happy to drive anyone anywhere as long as her petrol is paid.
So I do not think we are asking too much to ask her for lifts right now, as in return she gets her car for her own use and petrol for her own activities.

Unfortunately the disruption and jiggling of having to walk further to the car than he has walked in nearly two weeks and the car journey made him start vomiting - luckily he managed to last till he got home and did not throw up in Caja's car!!! - but he has now been sick for much of the night and the reality of my having to be his nurse is sinking in too.

As you know I have always suffered emetophobia ( fear of vomiting and others vomiting) since I was under 7 years old, due to undiagnosed food intolerance since weaning and being sick so often - now fine as far as food is concerned as long as I do not eat, milk, whey products, cheese and yogurt - but it left me with this phobia so this is again one of the worse scenarios for his home coming I could imagine and not very pleasant for him either.

Luckily in the last few years my emetophobia has reduced considerably in that for many years I have not been worried at all about others vomiting and have been able to care for those that are. It does make me stressed and upset that this is happening for them, but it does not cause any panic attacks.
The way my emetophobia affects me now is I only panic if I have to go out myself while feeling sick and it is likely that I will vomit myself outside my own home.

Even myself being sick as long as I am in my own home does not have the same effect it once did on me, it does not cause me to panic, just to be a bit tearful and upset. But my emetophobia is a factor in all this as I am worried that if and when I have to take the same medication as Barry I just will not be able to take them through panic and fear. As while I cope well when vomiting now, I would find it almost impossible to actualy take anything knowingly that may make me vomit.

And we are pretty sure Barry's vomiting is the drugs he is currently on. As they made him sick in the hospital but they prescribed Maxilon ( anti nauseant) which while it did not prevent it every time he took them, it did about 80% of the time.

But for some reason he was discharged with the antibiotics etc he is on, but with no anti-nausient!!!
And as he can not keep the tablets down without it seems a waste of time sending him out with the medication and nothing to deal with the vomiting they cause!!!!???

I have rang the doctor and asked him to do a prescription fro Maxilon to stop him vomiting. I hope he does as Barry just took another dose of his tablets and is again sick....................

So there is no point in giving him the drugs without the Maxilon as far as I can see?