Sunday, 14 June 2009

Yurts & Yurting again today

Yet another really busy day!

My sister arrived last night for a visit, as did new guests for the Yurt, we have new guests arriving today for the flat and today we have to put up the other Yurt to act as a marquee for my daughters friends wedding/hand fasting :

I am now wondering if we did the right thing in embarking on this Yurt letting business in addition to letting out our flat?

As neither of us feel that well and we constantly have so much to do. When I first suggested it I felt that it would be a positive thing to do to run a small holiday letting business from our smallholding because as well as the extra income to supplement Barry's pension both of us are people who like to work and have a purpose, especially Barry and the holiday lettings are really his job not mine and we felt that to have this would extend our lives and well being.

But neither of us feel well enough to work outside the home for especially for an employer who might not understand when we have days we just can not function! To have a job and then let some one down some days would put us under more stress that we just do not need.

My difficulties are more due to mental/emotional health which is struggling as I still have not come to terms with what having HIV means for us and the rest of our lives, and I worry constantly about the possibility of Barry getting really ill again or even dying and leaving me on my own -

Despite all I love him so much and have for the last 30 years that he will die before me and horribly of AIDs, this is my biggest fear and dread!!

I also struggle due to my existing disability caused by my horse riding accident - some days I walk fine but I still have some really bad days especially in the winter. So for me it is others things than having HIV that make me not feel able to work outside things I can do on my smallholding. As I am physically healthier now than I was before I realized I had HIV and started the HIV antiretrovirals. Although having HIV does affect me too as I have med side effects the worse being constant diarrhea and nausea, dizzy spells and tiredness. And I now have problems with high blood pressure and high cholesterol for which I am having tests to see what can be done and what medication I need ( this is possibly due to the HIV meds, but what choice do I have it is take HIV meds or die of AIDs.

Some people I talk to seem to thing that this is not so, that some how people with HIV just do not die of AIDs now- btu the facts are - IF YOU DO NOT TAKE HIV MEDICATION EVENTUALLY ALL WITH HIV WILL STILL EVENTUALLY DIE OF AIDS!!

It is only the new very effective meds that mean we live longer and even then it is not guaranteed!

.............and I am not looking forward to going on any more medication - I hate even taking the HIV meds!!

However I did not have AIDS like Barry nor was I ever as ill as him - yet!- and I have less side effects than him to the drugs.

He gets terrible rashes, weakness, severe fatigue which means he often has to sleep in the day and goes to bed at around 8pm and his weight is so low now his tiny jeans, size 28, fall off him ) sometimes wish HIV made ME lose some weight!! I have put it on especially around my middle )

but he likes to have something to do

But I am beginning to wonder if it was a good idea and we should have just tried to relax and enjoy our lives without this pressure?

Because it has actually been one stressful thing after another.

First making the facilities like the toilet shower and the kitchen was a hard slog, mostly one that Barry did and took him all winter - and that was with him working everyday when he could.
Then the Yurt was not a simple to put up as we were told and we had severe probelms with water getting in which we have now solved, but it took us a while to work out how to solve them.

Since everything has been up we constantly have problems to deal with, Barry calls them teething problems but I am not so sure.

The gas boiler for the shower failed the morning some guests were due and we had to get a new one and Barry had to fit it in a couple of hours before the guests came, then the batteries for the toilets and 12 volt lighting were not holding their charge, not to mention high winds a couple of times nearly blew the yurt down!!!

As well as all this we have in the last month had car problems - still have Barry is trying to fix the car today - our fridge freezer broke a week pasts its warranty ended and we had to replace it, various other things have broken in the house and needed maintenance or repair. We still have 9 acers of land to maintain and have had to do fencing and cut back bracken and of course Barry has to cut the grass and maintain the outside areas for the lettings.

And of course as well as all this my older brother committed suicide!!

  • So we are both feeling exhausted now and I am truly wondering if the Yurt was a good idea?

But it is too late for this year as we have bookings until September so we have to do it this year at least and we have promised to put the second Yurt up for this handfasting, so we had better get on with it!!

Saturday, 13 June 2009

There is no smoke without fire - or is there?

Why is it that since I have had HIV I am not believed that I have been totally sexually faithful to my husband of over 25 years, am not a drug user - well did a few things when a young woman but not anything for over 30 years - and have never taken any other risks for HIV etc?

Yet before I found I had HIV no one had any difficulty accepting that while it is not that common theses days I have NEVER been unfaithful to my husband. So many said I was so lucky to have a relationship whereby I was never tempted ( they were wrong I was certainly tempted but just never did it!! I always just said no!)

But since I have found I have HIV I am so often asked 'are you sure'?

Even - and often - by others who have HIV!!!!!!!!

Of course I'm sure!!
HIV does not change the facts of my life - and does it matter - except to me, that I was faithful ??

It is not that I feel that I am somehow different from any others who have HIV.

I truly believe that HIV is not a matter for blame or fault - it is just a virus.

  • But I just wonder why before I found I had HIV no one questioned my truthfulness in that I said I have never had sex with anyone but my husband for 25 years +
  • it was not a matter of pride or morality - Just a FACT!!

Having HIV does not alter that and I just want to be believed when I say things that are true.

And I have always been a totally truthful person. I have other faults but not telling the truth is not one of them.
So I can only assume that this lack of belief of my faithfulness to one person - yet I live with HIV .............

..............can only be put down to the blame culture around HIV? That somehow if you have HIV you are to blame in some way for having got HIV.

It does not matter how you got it - it is just a virus!!!

I do not believe in 'good AIDs/HIV & bad AIDS/HIV
If you have HIV you have a virus
That's all
And no virus has any questionable or otherwise human values.

And a virus in itself does not carry stigma.

Only humans do.