Tuesday, 25 June 2019




I found this picture of the Elgin Avenue squats and by total pure coincidence, it is of the one I lived in!!!

I was on the top floor, middle house, front left window. I used to try to grow herbs (no, not weed, just herbs like rosemary, thyme etc to cook with) in that window box

I lived in Elgin Avenue in the squats in the early 70s. I have no idea of time and dates then as I was such a huge mess then.

But it must have been before 1975. As in 1975 I went to the Henderson, a theraputic community, https://www.bpc.org.uk/magazine/Henderson for a year, until late 76. And got myself together and I never lived like that again.

I was young then, I am now 66.
But as a homeless then young woman then living on the streets, it saved my life......... pretty much.

Those squats saved a whole lot of us.

And thanks to Piers Corbyn. Jeremy Corbyn's brother who then was a housing activist and was the brain behind it all and organized and ran the Elgin Avenue and many other squats .

I cannot remember which number exactly I lived at exactly but I was on the top floor flat of that house, in the picture.

And I remember the phone box was almost just outside my building, it was just out of the picture to the right.

And if I kept my window open I could hear it ring. And arranged my family and friends to ring it at designated times. No mobile phones then!!

My house/flat mate was Joe. He seemed to think he owned that top floor flat,?
He did not of course as it was a frigging squat, but it seemed, he thought he did??

The top floors were a premium place to be in as then you were well out of the smell from the drains and the rubbish that was pilled 6ft+ high in the back gardens.
As no one took our rubbish then so we had no option and just threw it out of the windows into the back garden. Or threw it on the other rubbish in the street, as I did.

Sorry it is so dire but that was how it then was.

He only let me in to stay in 'his' flat as he wanted to get into my knickers, which he did as I could not care less then as all I wanted is to not be sleeping on on the streets.
But he soon got bored with me, thankfully.................

But the guy actually had notches he scratched on his head board of his bed!!!! in fours i.e III III III III etc, etc and then crossed out - I think I was about number 30? or so.
I was so very relived when he got tired of me

The daft thing is he actually had a very nice and very posh and pretty rich girlfriend at the time? He probably married her......... Hi Joe

She even had a car that she would arrive in and park outside. Pretty unknown for women to have their own car then.

Such a very well dressed, posh and very gentile and a lovely young woman. But how could she not know what a predator he was??

But she had to have seen his notches? How could she not??
She slept in his bed too when visiting him??

Yet she continued to be so nice to me?? She had to have known?? She had to know what an utter predator he was??

So I stole her ring, her gold ring that he gave her. She left it in the kitchen when washing up, so I took it ....................
Then I threw it into a bin,.............it was during a dustbin strike, one of many at that time LOL!! So I knew it would never be found and it never was.

I did not want it for any money, just to get my own back.

They spent so many hours looking for it. With me enjoying and so laughing to myself.
Surprisingly they never suspected me.?? As they knew I would never be interested in selling it for money.~~

But I was so mad and so took it, and then dumped it??

Not me at all I do not do and have never since done this sort of stuff. I am very honest and do not and never did steal, well never from any individual.

I would rather starve and I have starved rather than do that
BUT, this was different! This was frigging revenge!!!

They never got it back or realised I could have taken it?
As they knew well I was honest............... and actually I was, very.

But I wanted to hurt him for what he was doing and had done to me. And they thought me harmless?

It represented for me that he treated her with such real respect and even bought her expensive stuff, the ring was only a small thing he bought for her
But me, he did not respect me, not one frigging iota.

I was just something to wank into.

For a few months he used to fuck me whenever he got the urge, any time of the day or night and I let him as anything was better than going back on the streets.

Had I been more together I would have realized I could have taken it to the squatting community and got another flat to stay in.

And he may have even been chucked out as he never needed to be there?? Joe was working full time. I think in banking or similar would you believe??? And he had, comparatively to the rest of us then, lots of money!!

But he was a chancer. He did anything to save money and have more to put in his bank, including living in a squat when he could have afforded to rent.

He also had a side line buying drugs in bulk as he had the money to do that and then selling the drugs, that he himself did not take. He did smoke weed but nothing else. So he bought that and other much harder drugs. coke ,morphine, Heroin and also LSD in bulk and sold to other poor squatters, in very small packets at extortionate prices.

A very nasty man that was only living here for what he could gain for himself!!

Well at first he used me for sex, but gradually thankfully he soon got tired of that.

As I just turned my head and showed no interest,
Even he got sick of that.

I had done it for money elsewhere, but on my own terms. I learned that at least

We as young and homeless, women were so then so very vulnerable.~
But then it was us,

But now its women from all over the world are now targeted. All vulnerable are now at risk.~
OK not me now......thankfully not now?? And not for many years.

And who would ever want an old boiler like me now LOL?? Thankfully not and I have long turned my life around. And partly thanks to being able to get off the streets and into that squat

People like Piers and Jeremy Corbyn had their hearts right. In the right place.

Not sure about Piers Corbyn now as he seems to be off on one these days. But he sure did then.


https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/photography/new-photography-exhibition-shows-the-tough-reality-of-the-now-barely-legal-squatting-movement-a6695946.html

Wednesday, 13 February 2019

DST- Deep Sleep Treatment/Therapy or Narcosis Therapy

We all have our stories to tell and I do not ever judge.
But this is mine, Well not all of it as I am not dead yet. But where it began for me and still impacts my life and hugely.
So if anyone is at all interested as to why I so struggle and why I am still so traumatized. Despite years of 'therapy' and working on myself. Trying to make it and myself 'right'.

Is because I too went through this. When I was 17. In around 1970/71.

Don't expect me to remember the exact year. It was 70 or 71 and it was 'only' about 2 months of my life. But it changed me, and forever.


And I am lucky, or very unlucky, that I remember anything.

A side effect of this is it wipes your memory. When I was finally woken up I could not even remember my name, my parents, my then boyfriend Tell, or anything much at all.
Took me years and with horrific flashbacks to get it right and to begin to tell my story
I was too young to give permission, so my parents did. They were told it was 'in my best interests'
They loved me, they just wanted me well, and I was not well.
But this almost destroyed me.

And not at the Royal London where the instigator, William Sargant was based.But for me at Park Prewett, Basingstoke. An NHS Hospital.

As while little is known anyway,  what is even less known is it did not just only happen at the Royal London under Sargant . It happened all over the country. I have been told right up to 1976??
Abet in a smaller way with a smaller number in each unit than in Sargants sleep unit..
But it still happened to me and so many. All over the country
And many of us have so tried to speak out. Indeed I tried so hard. Only to find, like all, my records have been 'lost' so there is no proof.

We are all aging and we are the last who can testify as to what happened to us.
And soon we will no longer be here. Which is what is hoped for.
I am NOT a conspiracy theorist. Never have been and never will be. So I make no judgement or opinion on any links in the article to the military or the CIA or whatever.
In fact I personally doubt this.
I think it was a psychiatric treatment theory, instigated by a very flawed psychiatrist that sadly was allowed to get out of hand and was taken up by others. That went so very wrong and was so abusive to those that had it.
But I do know what happened to me. I have written about it myself but this account of the reality of it tells it better than I ever could
https://ectstatistics.wordpress.com/…/william-sargent-deep…/
________________________________________
DST- Deep Sleep Treatment/Therapy or Narcosis Therapy
( It was known under different names depending where you had it)


1965 - 1975 - London’s Royal Waterloo Hospital .
How 'depressed' women were put to sleep for months in an NHS hospital room - leaving mental scars that remain 40 years on.
There are many horrors that Elizabeth Reed (below) recalls from her time at London’s Royal Waterloo Hospital, but one in particular lingers in her mind. She describes a small, windowless room at the top of the red-brick Edwardian building, just lit by a night lamp on a nurse’s desk.
Six beds are jammed together. The deep breathing of women in a drug-induced sleep. The fetid stench of unwashed bodies.
‘It was like being buried alive,’ she says. ‘I was lying there in the dark, hour after hour, and couldn’t move. I wasn’t aware of my body, just my head in this darkness. You could hear people moving around and other people breathing and moaning.’
Recalling footage of a patient having narcosis treatment
While Elizabeth is one of only a handful of women prepared to speak out, her story is not unique. Up to 500 women, suffering from conditions such as postnatal depression and anorexia, passed through the Royal Waterloo’s infamous Ward 5 before it shut 40 years ago.
Heavily drugged and subjected to horrendous levels of electro-convulsive therapy (ECT) and even lobotomies, the unluckiest were taken to the 'Narcosis Room', where they were put to sleep for weeks at a time.
Almost all teenage girls and women in their early 20s, they were treated as little more than guinea pigs by controversial psychiatrist William Sargant as he conducted a bizarre experiment to ‘repattern’ their brains and cure them of depression.
If all this sounds like the stuff of science-fiction horror, it is no coincidence a new psychological thriller, The Sleep Room, by clinical psychologist-turned-novelist F. R. Tallis, draws heavily on Sargant’s scandalous treatments.
But behind the fiction, questions remain about why the women of Ward 5 were subjected to such cruelty at an NHS hospital. Two of them, now in their 60s, spoke about their experiences to Femail this week.
Survivor: Elizabeth Reed is one of only a handful of women prepared to speak out
‘It’s so easy to dismiss us,’ says Elizabeth, a 63-year-old grandmother and former marketing director from London. ‘It was a long time ago and we were psychiatric patients. Many of us were left with pieces of our memory missing.
‘We were not drooling maniacs, but if you’ve been put in a sleep room, then your memories are not going to be clear. I lost huge chunk of my past.’
Officially, the Department of Health says it no longer has records of Sargant’s work at the Royal Waterloo, affiliated to London’s St Thomas’s Hospital. However, Elizabeth has a copy of her referral letter from January 1973, stamped with the ominous words: ‘Admit to Ward 5.’ Notes reveal she was given a ‘course of narcosis’.
She had been diagnosed with ‘obsessional neurosis’ and, by her own admission, was very ill — depression compounded by a difficult childhood.
‘But many other women I have spoken to say they were suffering from milder forms of depression and anxiety,’ she says. ‘The treatment was completely out of proportion.’
She was admitted to the Royal Waterloo in spring 1973 when she was 22 and engaged to be married. After arriving on the 22-bed Ward 5, she was sedated and underwent ECT — sometimes every other day.
‘I can remember the sound of the ECT machine being wheeled down the corridor and it being switched on and off in other rooms,’ she says.
‘It was so frightening. First of all, they injected you and you had an awful feeling of falling backwards into yourself. After ECT, you didn’t know who you were.’
Eventually, Elizabeth was moved into the Narcosis Room beside Ward 5 and put into a drug-induced sleep.
'I was awake, but couldn’t move or speak. It was torture, lying there for hours in the darkness'
Women there were occasionally woken to be taken to the toilet or to be fed. ‘We were like zombies,’ says Elizabeth. ‘I couldn’t walk. I had to be lifted. Afterwards, they put you back to sleep again.
‘The worst time was when I started not to be asleep. I was awake, but couldn’t move or speak. It was torture, lying there for hours in the darkness.’
Sargant, a founding member of St Thomas’s department of psychological medicine, who advocated the use of drugs to treat mental illness, operated his ‘sleep room’ for ten years until 1973.
Four patients are known to have died there and yet no one stepped in to stop him.
A Cambridge medical graduate, obsessed with making a name for himself, he used high doses of tranquillisers and administered ECT up to twice a week on Ward 5 and every other day in the Narcosis Room.
At the heart of his treatment was his belief that the brain could be ‘repatterned’ to erase bad memories.
His fame - due to TV and radio interviews and best-selling books - ensured a steady stream of patients. He was friends with authors Aldous Huxley and Robert Graves.
Actress Celia Imrie was 14 when she was treated by Sargant on Ward 5 and given huge doses of drugs and ECT.
In her 2011 autobiography, The Happy Hoofer, she recalls sneaking out of bed to peer into the sleep room. She describes ‘dead-looking women lying on the floor on grey mattresses, silent in a kind of electrically induced twilight’.
But to this day, she is unsure if she had treatment in the sleep room because patients were drugged on the ward before being carried there.
Up to 500 women, suffering from conditions such as postnatal depression and anorexia, passed through the Royal Waterloo's infamous Ward 5 before it shut 40 years ago
Up to 500 women, suffering from conditions such as postnatal depression and anorexia, passed through the Royal Waterloo's infamous Ward 5 before it shut 40 years ago
‘You went in asleep and you came out asleep. So maybe I was in the Narcosis Room. I could not possibly know,’ she says.
The secrecy surrounding Dr Sargant’s work has even led to claims he was being bankrolled by British intelligence and the CIA. He certainly had links to the military in World War II, working at Porton Down, the Ministry of Defence biological and chemical weapons research base.
But long before he died in 1988, Sargant destroyed all his records, which might have shed light on his sinister treatments.
'It was impossible to rebel because you were constantly drugged. It was an unreal world and I was frightened and disorientated'
According to Hilary Jameson, who arrived at the Royal Waterloo in 1970, being admitted to Ward 5 was ‘like falling into the jaws of hell’.
As a 17-year-old A-level student in Oxford, she stopped eating after her parents’ divorce, though she insists she was far from anorexic.
‘People were talking about this marvellous man in London who could work miracles,’ says the 61-year-old, now a psychotherapist.
‘He was stern, a tall, cold man with very dark eyes. He didn’t speak to me. He just told my mother that if I wasn’t admitted then I’d die.’
Within half an hour of arriving, Hilary was injected with largactil - a powerful anti-psychotic drug.
‘It was impossible to rebel because you were constantly drugged,’ she says. ‘It was an unreal world and I was frightened and disorientated.’
Forced to eat huge amounts of carbohydrates so that she put on weight, Hilary had an ever-present threat of ‘narcosis’ hanging over her if she did not show signs of improvement. ‘We used to see the women in the sleep room being taken to the bathroom or to be fed and they were like ghosts. It made you feel very worried. I couldn’t make sense of what was going on around us.’
Hilary was forced to undergo ECT and displayed to medical students by Sargant as he taught them ‘how to deal with anorexic girls’.
Actress Celia Imrie was 14 when she was treated by Sargant on Ward 5 and given huge doses of drugs and ECT
Actress Celia Imrie was 14 when she was treated by Sargant on Ward 5 and given huge doses of drugs and ECT
‘He came across as highly respectable and authoritative,’ says Hilary. ‘But most patients in Ward 5 were just young girls who had problems with their families. It was barbaric.’
A leading psychiatric expert, Professor Malcolm Lader of King’s College, London, recalls how, as a junior doctor, Sargant showed him his sleep room several times in 1966.
‘To be frank, I was horrified by what I saw,’ he says.
‘The women were really cramped together. It was dark. It was like twilight. There was a terrible smell of unwashed bodies.
‘It was a fraught procedure to be sedated for that amount of time. Most importantly, there was no evidence that narcosis had any effect.
‘He was doling out drugs in large doses that were way above the recommended maximum dose. I resolved never to send anyone there.’
Professor Lader also sheds light on why no one stopped Sargant.
‘He was an over-powering, imperious figure. He spoke to me as if I must approve and I’m afraid I was too junior and too cowardly to say I thought the whole thing needed properly investigating.
‘They wouldn’t get away with it now because the law has changed. You have to show there is some logic and rationale to what you are doing.
‘But back then, he would not brook any opposition. He built up an empire filled with his acolytes.’
There were also rumours, says Professor Lader, that Sargant was untouchable because he was supported by British intelligence or the CIA. He was a frequent traveller to the U.S. and wrote in his autobiography of being entertained at the White House during one of his trips.
‘He was interested in brainwashing and so was the CIA. He may have been protected by his contacts.’
Perhaps it is no coincidence that Ward 5 and Sargant’s sleep room closed when he retired in 1973 — the same year the CIA officially ended its top-secret mind-control experiments, codenamed Project MKUltra.
Whatever the truth, the young women from troubled families made perfect patients for Sargant’s experiments. F. R Tallis, who researched Sargant for his novel, says: ‘He cherry-picked them. They were easy targets — alienated from their families and unable to challenge his authority.’
'There was no way back to my old life. I am angry about what I feel I missed out on. I've lost chunks of my memory'
Stephanie Simons, a 78-year-old Sussex artist, visited Sargant’s private rooms in London’s Harley Street in 1967 suffering from depression. She sheds a more sinister light on the bias towards women, recalling how he asked her to strip to the waist so he could examine her before administering anti-depressants.
‘He didn’t ask me to get dressed again,’ she says. ‘He told me to sit in a chair, naked to the waist, and talked to me for nearly an hour like that.
‘He was stern and professional, so I didn’t dare say anything.’
Today, Sargant’s reputation as a serious psychiatrist is in tatters, but there is still interest in his mind-control books.
Experiences: Behind the fiction, questions remain about why the women of Ward 5 were subjected to such cruelty at an NHS hospital
A copy of his brainwashing title Battle Of The Mind is said to have been found at an Al Qaeda training camp in Afghanistan.
As for the Royal Waterloo, it closed as a hospital in 1976 and is now owned by an American university. Sargant’s sleep room is a student bedsit.
But for the women who fell into his hands, his legacy lives on. ‘He damaged us,’ says Elizabeth. ‘He destroyed our potential.’
After being discharged from Ward 5, she was unable to cope with her career in marketing and took jobs as a supermarket shelf-stacker and a cleaning lady.
‘It changed me. I lost interest in things,’ she says. ‘There was no way back to my old life. I am angry about what I feel I missed out on. I’ve lost chunks of my memory. And I can’t lay down new memories.’
Hilary adds: ‘It dulled me an awful lot. It knocked the spirit out of me. Taking so many drugs had a bad effect - by the time I was 26 I had ovarian cysts.’
In Australia and Canada, where Sargant’s methods were disastrously emulated, dozens of narcosis patients died. Those who survived were eventually compensated.
Survivors of the Royal Waterloo Hospital have been told by lawyers that the lack of paperwork and the amount of time that has passed makes it unlikely they will ever be similarly compensated.
But above all, women like Elizabeth and Hilary want to be acknowledged. They want to know how Sargant can have been allowed to get away with such monstrous behaviour.
‘People talk about the sleep room as if it was something from another world,’ says Elizabeth.
‘But we’re still alive. We’re still here. We’re still suffering from what he and his colleagues did to us.’

Thursday, 27 December 2018

Christmas 2018


The worse Christmas ever. In terms of my husband and  my family.

But my friends that came were great though and I/we are so lucky to have them.

But.
I went into meltdown about three weeks before. Sadly just after we went to see my daughter. Drinking too much, having meltdowns.
But
I may have survived this, I may have survived this and got it together.
But
Then a friend wrote me a letter. Saying how much she thinks of me even dreams of me and the smallholding I live on.
I think of her too, often. But while I know her reasons and objectively I forgive her and get it.

But

She was the friend that I had to call for help. When she had a complete bi-polar meltdown in my house and the first part of it when driving my daughter and her son home . I was so scared for my daughter firstly but also her son and her. 
Then it continued and she was sooooo manic, basically on a huge episode.

There was nothing I could do to talk her down. I have before talked people down off of a manic episode. But I talked to her all day and night for 3 days.  I so did try. But I failed

So I  had no option but to call what I knew would be those that would commit her to a psychiatric unit. i.e the GP in the first instance and then social services etc to get the signatures needed to do that to her.

But
If anyone actually knows or understands my own history they will know how hard that was for me to do?
As I first went into a psychiatric hospital at 17. And a Therapeutic Community at 26. I would not wish any of that on anyone. And while she had been in somewhere before for addiction I think, not ever a psychiatric unit and if you do that has consequences. And I knew my actions would result in those for her.

Since then I have tried to keep off 'their' radar. Their being those that can have that complete power  over me and my life. And I succeeded.
But now, since HIV, in a way I wish I had help, any help at all!!


But I guess I could never accept it? As while some of it saved me it is also part of what also destroyed me.

So for me to contact anyone when my friend was having such a huge bi-polar episode was so hard for me.

But I felt I had no choice. What else could I do? She had to have treatment. If not for her but for her son?
And sadly, from my house she went into a psychiatric unit and I looked after her son. At that time I could not even walk without pain due to the accident.

But
I do not have any issue with her about that. I loved her and I had to do my best for her and I did do my best at the time for her. And her son.

But

She was the friend. But one that later, when I was myself totally frantic, because my daughter walked out after one of many arguments. And did not come back. And I did not know where she was for at least 3 months and did not know she was even safe for a month.

She knew where my daughter was and did not tell me?? Despite it was her I turned to when it happened for help and support., She knew where my daughter was!!!

In fact she had arranged it, where she eventually stayed! But she sat and told me that I was frantic was all in my head!! As I was mentally ill!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Yes I was and so had she been.

And I had supported her and all the way.

But I never disrespected her like that! She always knew exactly where her son was when she had that bi-polar meltdown. She knew he was safe and exactly where he was.

And I will always remember we had this huge bust up when she was in the unit!! Because I had to get her to sign over her child benefit to me? I did because contrary to what most felt at the time, I was struggling financially to make ends meet . Another story.

But
While my husband had a good wage. I only then had what I earned,  Once from youth work and by then from web design. And he was at sea. I could not use his money, only he could. I had by then got him to do a joint account since my daughter was 11. I only then ever used it for emergencies and I was very careful not to use it except for emergencies and the bills I could not cover.

( Another story that one day I will write about. No he is not like this now. In fact i do not even think he cares anything much about money. I think all he cares about now is living his life and that I am OK. But sadly I am not, not OK. But having him do that to me, examine every thing |I spent, of my own money as well as his, for many years, while he was away...................... Did not do me me favors.,

Buit another part of my story and yet to be told)


Basically I still do the same. But then. I could not use it at all? So I had no money to keep her son. So I had to ask her to hand over her child benefit.

Which as what social services told me to do. So I had to ask her. It so did not go down well!!

I guess then everyone I knew thought I had no money issues., After all I lived and stil live in this big house with a man earning??

But
I was struggling financially every day to keep and feed us

But

I guess no one knew? Certainly not my husband.


But

I may not have done a great job of looking after him but I kept him safe and fed, despite I was so struggling myself. And I informed her every single inch of the way.

Even though at times she was so manic, even in the unit, she could not understand me

But

When My daughter ran way she was not the only one actually that I trusted that knew where Caja was and did not tell me?

Some parents of her friends who I saw as friends did too.!!!

As my daughter sofa surfed for a week or so. Therefore some of her other friends parents knew where she was too? And did not tell me either.

OK I know that she was not going to come back.
I know I was a mess and she found me unbearable and I was totally unbearable.

But to know where she was and not even tell me she was safe ???????????????

I cannot forgive that.
I have not trusted anyone as a friend since and that was when my daughter was 16.

But

I am sure she felt, just as I had.
That she had no choice. What else could she do? My daughter needed to get away from me?
So very sad for the both of us, but that was how it was


So for her but for my daughters sake? She did what she had to do

But

I honestly think if my daughter had had a different personality it would not have been necessary?
I do not think in the great scheme of things I am that bad??
There are far worse parents than I.

I do know that. through my job once but also in my life

And so may children still love and respect their parents. Even so.

But

Not mine

But

If she had ever shown the slightest respect, compassion or love or understanding towards me. Got and understood I was so struggling Tried to help me in any way at all? Cleaning up after herself may have helped. Helping me with the animals she professed to want and love may have helped. But also understanding I was a struggling and broken person who was only by then trying for her.

It may have helped and us both.~
But it was not to be.

She despised me and made sure I knew it and did her best to show that.


But

I guess she helped me survive?
As the only reason I do not or have not taken my own life then or now is because I love her.

That I cannot and will not do that to her.
Even before my own bother took his life - sadly we are all flawed in our family and all of us have to struggle in this life and often it gets too much . I knew I could not do it because of her.

My brother was not the first person I have loved who has committed suicide, by far. Someone who has been in asylums and theraputic communities and finds it hard to relate to anyone that has not known this pain will always know those that did and succeeded. So I am and always have been very well aware of how it affects those that are left behind.

I so know and I wont do that to my daughter and in fact I won't to my husband either or my sister.
My other brother? Right now i do not care as he has never loved or respected me although I have him and big time

But

If my daughter above all some respect or love,  then or now, for me, this would have done.
If I had ever had that from her at all, all of this may not have happened?

But
OK that may seem harsh. I was the parent and she was the child. It was my job and L failed.  I totally get that.

But
I loved her so much

That were arguments on my side because I was really disabled at the time - physically due to the accident, not mentally although by then I was mentally in a complete mess as well - did not do a thing to help me. Did not even do anything to care for her cats she professed to so love, certainly did nothing whatsoever to help look after the dogs or the chickens or any of the many rescue animals we had then. Not a fucking thing!!
I guess she did not ask to be born?
She did not buy into all the animals. Bu she did some. Some I only had due to her and she did noting of their care

But
I was not asking her to look after me?
Although sadly many children become carers to their parents when they are as physically disabled as I was then.
But I NEVER, EVER asked that of her.

All I ever asked was for her to look after herself.......... i.e her room, her personal hygiene, get herself to school or collage. Honestly that is all I ever asked of her

And perhaps help with the house, garden and the animals

But

Ok not all but some of the animals were only with us  because she wanted me to have them.
And they had to be looked after. Barry was at sea. I was a complete mess. Due to the accident mainly and the fact my husband would not leave the sea, even though I was so plainly going under and by then I was drinking
And I could not cope

She was happy to work and for long hours as long as she was paid. And be hospitable
But she had a mother at home, who was not coping at all and needed her time and help.
And she would not help.

I would have even paid her what she was getting working if she had done a single thing, even just cleaned her room so I did not have to. But no that was not on her agenda


But

Even so?
Why was going to see our beautiful daughter if so traumatic? It should not have been. I so love that she has a life and seems relatively happy, despite me. I am so glad she has a life and an interest that is not chefing. As I know how hard that is. As actually I did it myself for a while. Not as long as she did and not working with famous chefs as she did

But
Now her life revolves around her rescue animals. Which is wonderful and I so support everything she does re that.
But
In that case
But
We now only see her about once a year, if that?  As with all the rescue animals she has she cannot leave them for a night. And we live too far to come here and to travel back in a day.
That I so do understand.
As we still have rescue animals, we always have had rescue animals and have so few now, compared to the past

As we once had goats.............. chickens............so many chickens, has to be over a few thousand over the years,  Ginnie fowl, ducks, Muscovies, ponies, horses  .
But we still have 3 cats, 4 dogs, and 2 ponies

But

So for us to leave ours for a night we now have to pay £30 for each single  night, and we do. When we can. And  I  so get ....................my daughter can no ever run to this.
But it is not easy for us either
To just visit my daughter costs us at least £150 or more and that is before any of our other expenses



But
Barry had seen her more recently but that was only because he made a chicken run for her for her birthday last May
And despite being not at all well and about to embark on Radiotherapy for prostate cancer, that he has suffered 9 years now, he still made it. And it was a beautiful chicken run.

But

He was not able to deliver it for a while as was not well and had to go for daily Radiotherapy for

 But
As despite not helping or seeming to care one iota for the many rescue chickens, or dogs or cats or anything ( rescue snakes was another, that I ended up caring for., And I am not  good with snakes)  when she was a child, that some I got only for her.  That she mostly ignored and did nothing at all for? I think in all her life with me she only ever took any dog out for a walk once!! She certainly never changed any cat litter box, or if she did it was because I made her, or helped me feed  her rabbits ................... they died so I failed too,

Yet her life now seems to be rescue dogs, cats and chickens!!!
So ironic to me!!!!

But
That we see her at all is only because we go to where she lives. To the city she lives.
Usually we get a hotel. We have once stayed there when I just could not go any further nd thought it dangerous for Barry to drive the 4 hours home on no sleep, for one night when we landed at her local airport. And once we stayed for one night before the hotel room was ready. But that is all.

So what with our animal care costs and the hotel and the petrol to get there and food etc just to see her for a couple of days at all costs us over £600 
And never before have we stayed with her for the whole 3/4 nights we are there

But

This time we decided to stay with her. Why not?
We only go there now to see her.
Yes I like the Spa and the Christmas market but that is for me, just an excuse to get to see her
But we are broke too at the moment and paying for a hotel as well as animal care to go, is out of our range . So we decided to stay there. They have a spare room, with now a bed ( they only had a mattress last time but thankfully they now have a bed in the spare room)

But

If anyone comes to stay with me I at least get in food for them, or at least nibbles, always make sure coming to my home is as special as I can make it. That at least they all have a comfortable bed ( well her partner did try to do that at least)  make sure they , all visitors are at least, warm
Yes her partner so tried and he did a huge and good job

He cleaned the house. From top to bottom, He tried to make our room, OK. And the rest of the house. But my daughter???????????????

But my daughter? Did nothing .................nothing whatsoever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why not?? She is so lucky to have him.

She is a qualified chef and runs a pub now as a part time job to get her through Uni at her late age to do a degree. And in her job she is so hospitable. To all her customers. She so has that skill.

Pity she never uses any of her skills on us. But we are her parents and not customers.
I see a repeat of what went wrong between us all those years ago here??

She is happy to work and for long hours as long as she was paid.
But she is not willing to do anything in her own home? He partner gets it and I get that he does and loves her anyway

But
OK at least she let us stay.

But

It seems she could not even do warm!!!
I was so cold
But more.,
I had to watch Barry freeze. So much so he sat on their sofa with his hat around his feet as everything was so cold . Who never complains. He is ill with cancer and I am not. . As he was so suffering. He was so very cold.

So cold he was sat in her front room.
Freezing's his fucking balls off!
In her home
I get it. you are broke~
I have so been there so I do get it


Yet if you had ever even said?

I am about to put what I can right now
On to your card

Wednesday, 26 December 2018

My Story

I have to tell the rest of or the whole of my story. And I do not know where to begin.
So I will begin on here.

You may think I have already told my story? As I have told my story of HIV. Well how it began anyway.
But that was not the story.

That was just the icing on the cake.
The final straw that broke me.

There is so much more and as someone so already broken, that my husband who was the only person who I have ever really trusted, was unfaithful and gave me the gift of HIV, was what broke me finally.

And I remain broken.

I now feel the only way to mend is to actually tell my stroy as it comes out. Without pulling my punches to protect others. As while those concerned may feel I have not. That I have not tried to protect them,  actually I always have.

So from now on this blog is for me. I am not writing it for anyone else and thus it will be garbled.

As I will write it as it comes out, with no chronological order, just as it occurs to me and regardless of who else it hurts