The worse Christmas ever. In terms of my husband and my
family.
But my friends that came were great though and I/we are so lucky to have them.
But my friends that came were great though and I/we are so lucky to have them.
But.
I went into meltdown about three weeks before. Sadly just
after we went to see my daughter. Drinking too much, having meltdowns.
But
I may have survived this, I may have survived this and got it together.
But
Then a friend wrote me a letter. Saying how much she thinks of me even dreams of me and the smallholding I live on.
I think of her too, often. But while I know her reasons and objectively I forgive her and get it.
But
She was the friend that I had to call for help. When she had a complete bi-polar meltdown in my house and the first part of it when driving my daughter and her son home . I was so scared for my daughter firstly but also her son and her.
Then it continued and she was sooooo manic, basically on a huge episode.
There was nothing I could do to talk her down. I have before talked people down off of a manic episode. But I talked to her all day and night for 3 days. I so did try. But I failed
So I had no option but to call what I knew would be those that would commit her to a psychiatric unit. i.e the GP in the first instance and then social services etc to get the signatures needed to do that to her.
But
If anyone actually knows or understands my own history they will know how hard that was for me to do?
As I first went into a psychiatric hospital at 17. And a Therapeutic Community at 26. I would not wish any of that on anyone. And while she had been in somewhere before for addiction I think, not ever a psychiatric unit and if you do that has consequences. And I knew my actions would result in those for her.
Since then I have tried to keep off 'their' radar. Their being those that can have that complete power over me and my life. And I succeeded.
But now, since HIV, in a way I wish I had help, any help at all!!
But I guess I could never accept it? As while some of it saved me it is also part of what also destroyed me.
So for me to contact anyone when my friend was having such a huge bi-polar episode was so hard for me.
But I felt I had no choice. What else could I do? She had to have treatment. If not for her but for her son?
And sadly, from my house she went into a psychiatric unit and I looked after her son. At that time I could not even walk without pain due to the accident.
But
I do not have any issue with her about that. I loved her and I had to do my best for her and I did do my best at the time for her. And her son.
But
She was the friend. But one that later, when I was myself totally frantic, because my daughter walked out after one of many arguments. And did not come back. And I did not know where she was for at least 3 months and did not know she was even safe for a month.
She knew where my daughter was and did not tell me?? Despite it was her I turned to when it happened for help and support., She knew where my daughter was!!!
In fact she had arranged it, where she eventually stayed! But she sat and told me that I was frantic was all in my head!! As I was mentally ill!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes I was and so had she been.
And I had supported her and all the way.
But I never disrespected her like that! She always knew exactly where her son was when she had that bi-polar meltdown. She knew he was safe and exactly where he was.
And I will always remember we had this huge bust up when she was in the unit!! Because I had to get her to sign over her child benefit to me? I did because contrary to what most felt at the time, I was struggling financially to make ends meet . Another story.
But
While my husband had a good wage. I only then had what I earned, Once from youth work and by then from web design. And he was at sea. I could not use his money, only he could. I had by then got him to do a joint account since my daughter was 11. I only then ever used it for emergencies and I was very careful not to use it except for emergencies and the bills I could not cover.
( Another story that one day I will write about. No he is not like this now. In fact i do not even think he cares anything much about money. I think all he cares about now is living his life and that I am OK. But sadly I am not, not OK. But having him do that to me, examine every thing |I spent, of my own money as well as his, for many years, while he was away...................... Did not do me me favors.,
Buit another part of my story and yet to be told)
Basically I still do the same. But then. I could not use it at all? So I had no money to keep her son. So I had to ask her to hand over her child benefit.
Which as what social services told me to do. So I had to ask her. It so did not go down well!!
I guess then everyone I knew thought I had no money issues., After all I lived and stil live in this big house with a man earning??
But
I was struggling financially every day to keep and feed us
But
I guess no one knew? Certainly not my husband.
But
I may not have done a great job of looking after him but I kept him safe and fed, despite I was so struggling myself. And I informed her every single inch of the way.
Even though at times she was so manic, even in the unit, she could not understand me
But
When My daughter ran way she was not the only one actually that I trusted that knew where Caja was and did not tell me?
Some parents of her friends who I saw as friends did too.!!!
As my daughter sofa surfed for a week or so. Therefore some of her other friends parents knew where she was too? And did not tell me either.
OK I know that she was not going to come back.
I know I was a mess and she found me unbearable and I was totally unbearable.
But to know where she was and not even tell me she was safe ???????????????
I cannot forgive that.
I have not trusted anyone as a friend since and that was when my daughter was 16.
But
I am sure she felt, just as I had.
That she had no choice. What else could she do? My daughter needed to get away from me?
So very sad for the both of us, but that was how it was
So for her but for my daughters sake? She did what she had to do
But
I honestly think if my daughter had had a different personality it would not have been necessary?
I do not think in the great scheme of things I am that bad??
There are far worse parents than I.
I do know that. through my job once but also in my life
And so may children still love and respect their parents. Even so.
But
Not mine
But
If she had ever shown the slightest respect, compassion or love or understanding towards me. Got and understood I was so struggling Tried to help me in any way at all? Cleaning up after herself may have helped. Helping me with the animals she professed to want and love may have helped. But also understanding I was a struggling and broken person who was only by then trying for her.
It may have helped and us both.~
But it was not to be.
She despised me and made sure I knew it and did her best to show that.
But
I guess she helped me survive?
As the only reason I do not or have not taken my own life then or now is because I love her.
That I cannot and will not do that to her.
Even before my own bother took his life - sadly we are all flawed in our family and all of us have to struggle in this life and often it gets too much . I knew I could not do it because of her.
My brother was not the first person I have loved who has committed suicide, by far. Someone who has been in asylums and theraputic communities and finds it hard to relate to anyone that has not known this pain will always know those that did and succeeded. So I am and always have been very well aware of how it affects those that are left behind.
I so know and I wont do that to my daughter and in fact I won't to my husband either or my sister.
My other brother? Right now i do not care as he has never loved or respected me although I have him and big time
But
If my daughter above all some respect or love, then or now, for me, this would have done.
If I had ever had that from her at all, all of this may not have happened?
But
OK that may seem harsh. I was the parent and she was the child. It was my job and L failed. I totally get that.
But
I loved her so much
That were arguments on my side because I was really disabled at the time - physically due to the accident, not mentally although by then I was mentally in a complete mess as well - did not do a thing to help me. Did not even do anything to care for her cats she professed to so love, certainly did nothing whatsoever to help look after the dogs or the chickens or any of the many rescue animals we had then. Not a fucking thing!!
I guess she did not ask to be born?
She did not buy into all the animals. Bu she did some. Some I only had due to her and she did noting of their care
But
I was not asking her to look after me?
Although sadly many children become carers to their parents when they are as physically disabled as I was then.
But I NEVER, EVER asked that of her.
All I ever asked was for her to look after herself.......... i.e her room, her personal hygiene, get herself to school or collage. Honestly that is all I ever asked of her
And perhaps help with the house, garden and the animals
But
Ok not all but some of the animals were only with us because she wanted me to have them.
And they had to be looked after. Barry was at sea. I was a complete mess. Due to the accident mainly and the fact my husband would not leave the sea, even though I was so plainly going under and by then I was drinking
And I could not cope
She was happy to work and for long hours as long as she was paid. And be hospitable
But she had a mother at home, who was not coping at all and needed her time and help.
And she would not help.
I would have even paid her what she was getting working if she had done a single thing, even just cleaned her room so I did not have to. But no that was not on her agenda
But
Even so?
But
I may have survived this, I may have survived this and got it together.
But
Then a friend wrote me a letter. Saying how much she thinks of me even dreams of me and the smallholding I live on.
I think of her too, often. But while I know her reasons and objectively I forgive her and get it.
But
She was the friend that I had to call for help. When she had a complete bi-polar meltdown in my house and the first part of it when driving my daughter and her son home . I was so scared for my daughter firstly but also her son and her.
Then it continued and she was sooooo manic, basically on a huge episode.
There was nothing I could do to talk her down. I have before talked people down off of a manic episode. But I talked to her all day and night for 3 days. I so did try. But I failed
So I had no option but to call what I knew would be those that would commit her to a psychiatric unit. i.e the GP in the first instance and then social services etc to get the signatures needed to do that to her.
But
If anyone actually knows or understands my own history they will know how hard that was for me to do?
As I first went into a psychiatric hospital at 17. And a Therapeutic Community at 26. I would not wish any of that on anyone. And while she had been in somewhere before for addiction I think, not ever a psychiatric unit and if you do that has consequences. And I knew my actions would result in those for her.
Since then I have tried to keep off 'their' radar. Their being those that can have that complete power over me and my life. And I succeeded.
But now, since HIV, in a way I wish I had help, any help at all!!
But I guess I could never accept it? As while some of it saved me it is also part of what also destroyed me.
So for me to contact anyone when my friend was having such a huge bi-polar episode was so hard for me.
But I felt I had no choice. What else could I do? She had to have treatment. If not for her but for her son?
And sadly, from my house she went into a psychiatric unit and I looked after her son. At that time I could not even walk without pain due to the accident.
But
I do not have any issue with her about that. I loved her and I had to do my best for her and I did do my best at the time for her. And her son.
But
She was the friend. But one that later, when I was myself totally frantic, because my daughter walked out after one of many arguments. And did not come back. And I did not know where she was for at least 3 months and did not know she was even safe for a month.
She knew where my daughter was and did not tell me?? Despite it was her I turned to when it happened for help and support., She knew where my daughter was!!!
In fact she had arranged it, where she eventually stayed! But she sat and told me that I was frantic was all in my head!! As I was mentally ill!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes I was and so had she been.
And I had supported her and all the way.
But I never disrespected her like that! She always knew exactly where her son was when she had that bi-polar meltdown. She knew he was safe and exactly where he was.
And I will always remember we had this huge bust up when she was in the unit!! Because I had to get her to sign over her child benefit to me? I did because contrary to what most felt at the time, I was struggling financially to make ends meet . Another story.
But
While my husband had a good wage. I only then had what I earned, Once from youth work and by then from web design. And he was at sea. I could not use his money, only he could. I had by then got him to do a joint account since my daughter was 11. I only then ever used it for emergencies and I was very careful not to use it except for emergencies and the bills I could not cover.
( Another story that one day I will write about. No he is not like this now. In fact i do not even think he cares anything much about money. I think all he cares about now is living his life and that I am OK. But sadly I am not, not OK. But having him do that to me, examine every thing |I spent, of my own money as well as his, for many years, while he was away...................... Did not do me me favors.,
Buit another part of my story and yet to be told)
Basically I still do the same. But then. I could not use it at all? So I had no money to keep her son. So I had to ask her to hand over her child benefit.
Which as what social services told me to do. So I had to ask her. It so did not go down well!!
I guess then everyone I knew thought I had no money issues., After all I lived and stil live in this big house with a man earning??
But
I was struggling financially every day to keep and feed us
But
I guess no one knew? Certainly not my husband.
But
I may not have done a great job of looking after him but I kept him safe and fed, despite I was so struggling myself. And I informed her every single inch of the way.
Even though at times she was so manic, even in the unit, she could not understand me
But
When My daughter ran way she was not the only one actually that I trusted that knew where Caja was and did not tell me?
Some parents of her friends who I saw as friends did too.!!!
As my daughter sofa surfed for a week or so. Therefore some of her other friends parents knew where she was too? And did not tell me either.
OK I know that she was not going to come back.
I know I was a mess and she found me unbearable and I was totally unbearable.
But to know where she was and not even tell me she was safe ???????????????
I cannot forgive that.
I have not trusted anyone as a friend since and that was when my daughter was 16.
But
I am sure she felt, just as I had.
That she had no choice. What else could she do? My daughter needed to get away from me?
So very sad for the both of us, but that was how it was
So for her but for my daughters sake? She did what she had to do
But
I honestly think if my daughter had had a different personality it would not have been necessary?
I do not think in the great scheme of things I am that bad??
There are far worse parents than I.
I do know that. through my job once but also in my life
And so may children still love and respect their parents. Even so.
But
Not mine
But
If she had ever shown the slightest respect, compassion or love or understanding towards me. Got and understood I was so struggling Tried to help me in any way at all? Cleaning up after herself may have helped. Helping me with the animals she professed to want and love may have helped. But also understanding I was a struggling and broken person who was only by then trying for her.
It may have helped and us both.~
But it was not to be.
She despised me and made sure I knew it and did her best to show that.
But
I guess she helped me survive?
As the only reason I do not or have not taken my own life then or now is because I love her.
That I cannot and will not do that to her.
Even before my own bother took his life - sadly we are all flawed in our family and all of us have to struggle in this life and often it gets too much . I knew I could not do it because of her.
My brother was not the first person I have loved who has committed suicide, by far. Someone who has been in asylums and theraputic communities and finds it hard to relate to anyone that has not known this pain will always know those that did and succeeded. So I am and always have been very well aware of how it affects those that are left behind.
I so know and I wont do that to my daughter and in fact I won't to my husband either or my sister.
My other brother? Right now i do not care as he has never loved or respected me although I have him and big time
But
If my daughter above all some respect or love, then or now, for me, this would have done.
If I had ever had that from her at all, all of this may not have happened?
But
OK that may seem harsh. I was the parent and she was the child. It was my job and L failed. I totally get that.
But
I loved her so much
That were arguments on my side because I was really disabled at the time - physically due to the accident, not mentally although by then I was mentally in a complete mess as well - did not do a thing to help me. Did not even do anything to care for her cats she professed to so love, certainly did nothing whatsoever to help look after the dogs or the chickens or any of the many rescue animals we had then. Not a fucking thing!!
I guess she did not ask to be born?
She did not buy into all the animals. Bu she did some. Some I only had due to her and she did noting of their care
But
I was not asking her to look after me?
Although sadly many children become carers to their parents when they are as physically disabled as I was then.
But I NEVER, EVER asked that of her.
All I ever asked was for her to look after herself.......... i.e her room, her personal hygiene, get herself to school or collage. Honestly that is all I ever asked of her
And perhaps help with the house, garden and the animals
But
Ok not all but some of the animals were only with us because she wanted me to have them.
And they had to be looked after. Barry was at sea. I was a complete mess. Due to the accident mainly and the fact my husband would not leave the sea, even though I was so plainly going under and by then I was drinking
And I could not cope
She was happy to work and for long hours as long as she was paid. And be hospitable
But she had a mother at home, who was not coping at all and needed her time and help.
And she would not help.
I would have even paid her what she was getting working if she had done a single thing, even just cleaned her room so I did not have to. But no that was not on her agenda
But
Even so?
Why was going to see our beautiful daughter if so traumatic? It
should not have been. I so love that she has a life and seems relatively happy,
despite me. I am so glad she has a life and an interest that is not chefing. As
I know how hard that is. As actually I did it myself for a while. Not as long
as she did and not working with famous chefs as she did
But
Now her life revolves around her rescue animals. Which is
wonderful and I so support everything she does re that.
But
In that case
In that case
But
We now only see her about once a year, if that? As
with all the rescue animals she has she cannot leave them for a night. And we
live too far to come here and to travel back in a day.
That I so do understand.
As we still have rescue animals, we always have had rescue
animals and have so few now, compared to the past
As we once had goats.............. chickens............so many chickens, has to be over a few thousand over the years, Ginnie fowl, ducks, Muscovies, ponies, horses .
As we once had goats.............. chickens............so many chickens, has to be over a few thousand over the years, Ginnie fowl, ducks, Muscovies, ponies, horses .
But we still have 3 cats, 4 dogs, and 2 ponies
But
So for us to leave ours for a night we now have to pay £30
for each single night, and we do. When we can. And I so get
....................my daughter can no ever run to this.
But it is not easy for us either
But it is not easy for us either
To just visit my daughter costs us at least £150 or more and
that is before any of our other expenses
But
Barry had seen her more recently but that was only because
he made a chicken run for her for her birthday last May
And despite being not at all well and about to embark on
Radiotherapy for prostate cancer, that he has suffered 9 years now, he still
made it. And it was a beautiful chicken run.
But
He was not able to deliver it for a while as was not well
and had to go for daily Radiotherapy for
But
As despite not helping or seeming to care one iota for the
many rescue chickens, or dogs or cats or anything ( rescue snakes was another,
that I ended up caring for., And I am not good with snakes) when
she was a child, that some I got only for her. That she mostly ignored
and did nothing at all for? I think in all her life with me she only ever took
any dog out for a walk once!! She certainly never changed any cat litter box,
or if she did it was because I made her, or helped me feed her rabbits
................... they died so I failed too,
Yet her life now seems to be rescue dogs, cats and
chickens!!!
So ironic to me!!!!
So ironic to me!!!!
But
That we see her at all is only because we go to where she lives. To the city she lives.
Usually we get a hotel. We have once stayed there when I just could not go any further nd thought it dangerous for Barry to drive the 4 hours home on no sleep, for one night when we landed at her local airport. And once we stayed for one night before the hotel room was ready. But that is all.
So what with our animal care costs and the hotel and the petrol to get there and food etc just to see her for a couple of days at all costs us over £600
That we see her at all is only because we go to where she lives. To the city she lives.
Usually we get a hotel. We have once stayed there when I just could not go any further nd thought it dangerous for Barry to drive the 4 hours home on no sleep, for one night when we landed at her local airport. And once we stayed for one night before the hotel room was ready. But that is all.
So what with our animal care costs and the hotel and the petrol to get there and food etc just to see her for a couple of days at all costs us over £600
And never before have we stayed with her for the whole 3/4
nights we are there
But
This time we decided to stay with her. Why not?
We only go there now to see her.
Yes I like the Spa and the Christmas market but that is for me, just an excuse to get to see her
But we are broke too at the moment and paying for a hotel as well as animal care to go, is out of our range . So we decided to stay there. They have a spare room, with now a bed ( they only had a mattress last time but thankfully they now have a bed in the spare room)
But
If anyone comes to stay with me I at least get in food for them, or at least nibbles, always make sure coming to my home is as special as I can make it. That at least they all have a comfortable bed ( well her partner did try to do that at least) make sure they , all visitors are at least, warm
This time we decided to stay with her. Why not?
We only go there now to see her.
Yes I like the Spa and the Christmas market but that is for me, just an excuse to get to see her
But we are broke too at the moment and paying for a hotel as well as animal care to go, is out of our range . So we decided to stay there. They have a spare room, with now a bed ( they only had a mattress last time but thankfully they now have a bed in the spare room)
But
If anyone comes to stay with me I at least get in food for them, or at least nibbles, always make sure coming to my home is as special as I can make it. That at least they all have a comfortable bed ( well her partner did try to do that at least) make sure they , all visitors are at least, warm
Yes her partner so tried and he did a huge and good job
He cleaned the house. From top to bottom, He tried to make
our room, OK. And the rest of the house. But my daughter???????????????
But my daughter? Did nothing .................nothing
whatsoever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why not?? She is so lucky to have him.
She is a qualified chef and runs a pub now as a part time job to get her through Uni at her late age to do a degree. And in her job she is so hospitable. To all her customers. She so has that skill.
Pity she never uses any of her skills on us. But we are her parents and not customers.
I see a repeat of what went wrong between us all those years ago here??
She is happy to work and for long hours as long as she was paid.
But she is not willing to do anything in her own home? He partner gets it and I get that he does and loves her anyway
She is a qualified chef and runs a pub now as a part time job to get her through Uni at her late age to do a degree. And in her job she is so hospitable. To all her customers. She so has that skill.
Pity she never uses any of her skills on us. But we are her parents and not customers.
I see a repeat of what went wrong between us all those years ago here??
She is happy to work and for long hours as long as she was paid.
But she is not willing to do anything in her own home? He partner gets it and I get that he does and loves her anyway
But
OK at least she let us stay.
But
It seems she could not even do warm!!!
But
It seems she could not even do warm!!!
I was so cold
But more.,
I had to watch Barry freeze. So much so he sat on their sofa with his hat around his feet as everything was so cold . Who never complains. He is ill with cancer and I
am not. . As he was so suffering. He was so very cold.
So cold he was sat in her front room.
Freezing's his fucking balls off!
In her home
I get it. you are broke~
I have so been there so I do get it
Yet if you had ever even said?
I am about to put what I can right now
On to your card
On to your card
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