Thursday, 10 April 2008

Self Doubt

I was not able to support anyone on the Post Natal Illness website the other night, when a moderator was in crisis - and this made me have doubts about whether I should carry on with doing this support now I have HIV?

On the one hand I do not pretend to be an 'expert' or to be doing it from any other perspective than someone who has had PNI and still has some issues and difficulties stemming from it - And that I am equal to all others on that forum in that we all offer each other mutual support and self help as sufferers and survivors.

On the other hand it is expected that I have more responsibility than this as I started the service and do the administration for the charity

So should I even be attempting to offer even this mutual support at all if I could not offer it at all the other night when it was needed?

I did try to support her - but as she would not speak to me so could not really and I felt pretty useless that as due to my own concerns I just an not able to support people very much right now

I also felt very guilty that I could not talk to another moderator when she rang or ring her back i.e the next morning when she rang

But just could not as I was trying to calm myself to go to the clinic that morning a that was the only thing I could think about - felt so bloody ill and stressed so just could not that morning deal with anything but getting myself to the clinic

So I now consequently have much self doubt and continue now to have this about whether I should be trying to support anyone right now ..................i.e I end up wondering if I should be continuing to do this - the forum and charity? - i.e if I can not be there for people in crisis due to PNI because of having what is such a big and overwhelming issue myself - and one that is not at all related to PNI..........

It is because they are such different issues, with such different concerns, symptoms, outcomes and with completely different considerations from PNI to be made in order to learn to live with it cope with HIV and the treatment that is needed

That I wonder if I can/should be trying to support people with PNI when I am overwhelmed by trying to learn to live with HIV?

But at the same time - do I have an option?
I started this - it is now a charity and I would hate it not to exist because I withdrew - and the reality is that as others 'move on ' and need to

i.e Another moderator has resigned as of the end of May from the forum but will still be a trustee..............most do eventually resign and I fear that if i did also there would not any longer be a 'consistent' person to recruit more mods etc and keep the whole thing going?

So my fears are that
1.I should not be doing this right now , either for me or for those who rely on me for support as i will let them down
2. But if I do not stay to be a consistent person always here - then the forum, and the charity may collapse.

Just some of my thoughts - as this is a huge and ongoing issue for me at the moment

i.e the position re me not having much room in my heart and emotions for anything but HIV at the moment and therefore feeling very detached from those going though PNI and feeling not able to be supportive

Is a huge worry for me right now and one that a moderator being in crisis has made all the more worrying.
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