Thursday, 3 April 2008

Feel a lot better today

Since Barry talked to the consultant yesterday I feel a lot better.

As she agreed - through him - we could look at HIV medication for me ...................

So after an absolutely terrible few days when I felt, due to the HIV nurse saying I had refused medication and it would put my consultant in a 'difficult' position to change my mind - like I had just been left to die ................

I now feel there is some hope I wil get the treatment I need

Also I have been given support by some good friends - thank you - you know who you are!!

It is a shame I seem to need so much support from others in getting my needs and wishes listened to when it comes to medical professionals, but I guess it has always been this way? It has sort of always gone wrong when it comes to me and medical staff.

Partly because I am so scared of them and the power they have - i.e power to treat the condition I go to them or the power to not - scary stuff for me who was abused as a child - and once by my GP as a 11 year old child, something I have never mentioned to any one before - this probably has a bearing on my fear of medical professionals - and am terrified of anyone 'medical' who has the power to offer or withhold treatment, asserting their authority over me, especially when as now it can mean the difference between my future life or earlier death.

So I come over angry and defensive - which some can cope with OK - but for others ( often those who are not confident in themselves about their own worth, self esteem as a person and maybe their medical skills/status ) it puts their backs up and EVERYTHING then goes wrong!!

But I have a good feeling now that it may be OK????

If at least I can have a 'proper' conversation about going on HIV meds and when - initially with Barrys support.

But lovely and caring of me as he is he often does not pick up quick enough on what is happening for me during a consultation with a medical person - so a really good friend has offered to go with me in the future - she has helped me before with other consultations with medical people and does 'pick up' on what is going on for me and has really helped before- I think it will help in the future with this HIV.

So I now have more confidence that I can get my medication and treatment right from now on with the HIV people

Fucking hope so!!!

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