Sunday, 20 April 2008

Killer Sulk goes on !!!

Caja is angry with me and has been for about 4 weeks. And in what I call one of her 'Killer Sulks'

Named because it kills me emotionally and Caja's sulk is causing havoc in our home and upsetting both Barry me and her!!!

In my house both Barry and Caja deal with anger mostly by sulking and having the odd dig with whoever they are angry with and by just not being friendly with the silent treatment thrown in . I am just straight about what upsets me.

Well that is what Barry does, Caja tends to freeze me out and just be unfriendly, but if I try to be friendly towards her she reads everything I say as some sort of dig i.e. real projection of how she is feeling towards me as I can be being perfectly friendly and just be asking how her day or her job went and she reads it as my being bossy or nosy or being controlling and tells me to 'fuck off' with that Caja - bitter/hard look on her face that says 'fuck off' even more eloquently than her words.

Neither Barry or Caja really ever tell me what they are angry about, or what they feel I have done, until I can not stand their sulk anymore and push them to tell me. This works OK between Barry and I but if I do this to Caja things get completely out of hand between us

Well she has been doing this for about 4 weeks. I really do not know what set her off as before this, even with the terrible fact of our HIV having to be dealt with - she was fine.

For a while she was fairly nice to me round the house and even went to the pub with me once of twice - or when I was there when she was working - and related to me like a normal human being who she was happy to have the odd chat with - and she has not been civil to me out in public for years really.

It has always made me feel so sad to see her smiling, chatting and interacting with others in a lovely way - and most people really like Caja and often remark what a pleasant person she is........................... and then to have to put up with the stark contrast of how she treats me when in public.....which is often with frozen looks when I talk, contradicting everything I say when I say something to someone she says i.e. 'it was not like that, ' that’s not right', 'no it was like this!!!' and only answering any thing I say to her in words of one syllable!!!!!

But for a while after we heard about the HIV she seemed to suddenly realise that I was a human being, with feelings who could get hurt and that I deserved a little respect when out ........and it really made me feel happy.

Then about 3 to 4 weeks ago all this changed!!!!! I do not know exactly what I said but I think it was about her college course next year - that I said the wrong thing at some point when discussing it with her ...............................and since then she has been in a sulk with me.

When Caja gets like this with you, absolutely nothing will snap her out of it, so really you have to bear her behaviour towards you and her constant quiet animosity and just leave her to get out of it herself and decide when to tell you what you have done to upset her - if she tells you at all it is often after the event i.e. when she has calmed down.

But I have ever been very good at just leaving her and ignoring her animosity

I felt I had got better of late - but perhaps not - perhaps she has just not done it big time for a while??

So she has been angry with me of about 4 weeks and I have blown up about it big time - I just reach the point when I just can not bare it another minute - this usually takes me a week of the silent/angry treatment but because she has now sulked at me for nearly 4 weeks I can stand it for less and less time.

So I had the first big blow up with her the Wednesday before last, and a big blow up with her last Monday night. And she left in a huff to go to her student flat, saying we could not live together and I was always ordering her around. Barry went to talk to her and she said she would stay away until she was working in the local pub again and then stay sat Sunday to be near work and that she would not carry it on with me anymore - Barry really thought this would be so!!!

But she walked in Sat morning, announced she had had no sleep and had to work in about 3 hours, I panicked as I know how hard she finds it to work when she is tired - often no sleep makes her throw up and she just can not work .............................

So I panicked for her and said 'Oh dear! go to bed right now !!' meaning if she went to bed right then she could have a couple of hours sleep before work.................she interpreted it as my 'telling' or 'ordering ' her to go to bed when all I was trying to do is to be caring and was worried she would feel very ill or vomit at work if she went to work with no sleep ( as she was doing a split shift 12 to 3 and 6.30 to 11.30 she would be so tired if she did not get at least an hours sleep)

Anyway she blew up on me and a BIG argument was looming as for me this felt like the last straw - she had been nasty to me for nearly 3 weeks and she had promised to be OK when she came next and then she does this!!!

But I kept the lid on it because I did not want to upset her further with no sleep and having to work and anyway I had another woman with HIV coming to visit me at 10. 30 and I wanted to be OK for this.

So Caja did not go to bed and still did the shift. I met this new friend with HIV and when she left Caja then came home in and even worse mood with me, luckily this lady who visited had gone by then it would have been awful if it had all blown up when she was there, she has had difficulties with her own grown up children I did not want to involve her in mine!!

(I know that this is Caja's agenda and because she was tired she came back in an even worse mood and very angry, but I just feel so vulnerable myself right now, and while I understand this is not a good time for her either and she has a right to be angry...................I just can not take weeks and weeks of her anger like this)

- I mean I understand that she is angry ..................who would not be angry at two parents with HIV - but that she had by that point sulked and got at me for nearly 4 weeks and also I do feel aggrieved that it is me she get angry with not Barry.

I mean I have always been here for her, I have never worked away like he has, I have done my best and always tried to give her everything she wanted within reason and make sure she could do all the things she wanted in life.

Nor I did not acquire HIV first or through casual sex, and yet it is me she is angry with!!!!! I can understand she is angry but I just wanted/need her to not be so hard on me all the time and just give me a little leeway and understand that I do love her and if I say something that upsets her I really do not mean it the way she always seems to take it!!!

Anyway that was for me the last straw, and she said some horrible things to me as she always does when she finally decides to tell me she is angry - but she did not actually tell me even then what she was angry about!!!!!!!!!!!! But she said I am always ordering her about, when in fact I know that this is not my intention , what she interprets as ordering her about is when I say what I intended to be 'mummy and caring' things.

OK she is not a child anymore, but she will always be my child and while I must learn to try not to 'baby' her can she not give me a little lea way and understand I do it because I love her?

I say stuff like -
'Why don't you lie down and have a sleep' ( when she is tired - I worry about her beign tired as she does not cope at all well with it and can often get physically illand sick/vomit jsut because she is tired)

'Why don't you have a shower' ( when her hair looks greasy or her face spotty, I'm not in my heart criticizing her or being negative, it is just that as her mum I want her to look her best and know that a good shower will help and also because in her job - chef/waitress she needs to look un-greasy and as nice as possible - and I am so proud that she works so hard and is considered so good at her job so I want to help her!)

'Can you tidy up your room' ( this one is not actually motivated by my wanting the house reasonable tidy as I have stopped worrying about this anywhere near as much as I did , but by the fact that I get quite distressed when my bedroom is in a mess, makes me feel disorganised and makes my head feel 'messy' too. I realise this is probably/is not so for her but I just say it without thinking and it is a 'mummy caring' as well! but she just sees it as my being negative and ordering her around)

'Drive carefully and slowly especially on the Penryn Road' ( this is entirely motivated by 'mummy care' as on that stretch of road there is at least two major accidents a year, usually fatal for someone, and nearly always involving at least one young and inexperienced driver. I do not know what the problem is there, but it seems to have something to do with the road combined with inexperience, and the last person to be killed on it was only a few weeks ago and it was tragically a lovely young woman with so much to live for - and I do not want Caja to join the statistics of people that have died on that road and especially not the statistics of young inexperienced drivers who have died on that road and/or have caused others to die!!!

This Road really is a death trap, especially for young drivers, see here for various accidents that have occurred along this stretch of road – so of course I ask her to drive carefully as I love her:

This is the latest one this was a young woman Hannah from the village who later died

Here is her face book memorial:
And I warn Caja about that road because I just do not want her to join the huge list of deaths on that part of the road

The thing that hurt me most yesterday was that she said that when she left home for a while when she was 17 she left because I was a ‘drunk’ maybe I am, I have never been in denial that I drink too much. But I just do not see that the reason she walked out of home was due to my drinking - it did not help but it was not due to it.

She left home because then, as now, she got into a massive strop with me which lasted months and I just could not bare it. Day in day out she would treat me with disrespect, snap at me, tell me to fuck off, be rude to me when out and with friends, make a complete mess and give me no help round the house at all and generally do exactly what she has been doing again now.

Of course I was in the wrong because I just was not able to hold it together when she did this. She sulked I blew up massively and when she did not stop I blew up every day …..But all I really wanted to happen was that she stop!!!
It was lawful, I felt actually bullied by her!! mentally, and she felt bullied by me.

If she could not stop sulking at me I could not stop blowing up all the time. I felt that no one but me saw that it was not all my fault and that she was angry with me and not really the other way around. And adults, my friends, got involved in a way that I am sure they meant to be helpful, but ultimately made it all worse……………

and yes I resorted to alcohol in the hope it would deaden what I was feeling and I could just tolerate her constant animosity towards me ……….
But of course alcohol made it worse – alcohol always makes things worse – it never helps!!

I so hope/wish/pray that this time her sulk and anger towards me does not lead to this result i.e. complete estrangement between us.

But already it is having a dire effect on us all

Barry and I always end up arguing and I end up getting at him as I just can not see why I get all her anger when he was the one who went to sea and left us at home, and he is the one who got us HIV – yet she love him unconditionally and is rarely rude or disrespectful to him

So please Caja – let me off the hook – please. I really did and do my best. I know my best has not always been good enough, but give me a little compassion. I love you very much, always have, I mean well and I am in a terrible place right now re coming to terms with HIV.

Caja whatever I did to cause this anger – please stop now and forgive me? Whatever you feel I have done I did not mean to anger you , and I have no idea what I have done unless you tell me! So if I do not know how can I put it right???

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