Thursday, 10 April 2008

Made the clinic - despite being so stressed out by life

Well I managed to get to the clinic yesterday - keep it together and talk to the consultant in a calm- ish way - pleased with myself that I did, it was not easy

This was despite events the night before and that morning that added to the stress I was feeling

One I have had a bad stomach since Sunday night and i have difficulties doing anything when I feel sick - can cope with most other illnesses but if I feel sick I jsut do not want to leave the house - so when I woke up yesterday morning still feeling sick and still with stomach cramps I was so worried that i would not be able to make myself go to the clinic while feeling so sick

I have had nausea, stomach cramps and this awful feeling like a football in my stomach. I have no idea whether this is HIV related, but it is funny that Barry has also had this feeling a few times of late......and while I always get stomach bugs and a bad tummy due to food intolerance and other things he never has, until he became ill with HIV?

I am thankfully feeling better this morning - my stomach seems to have calmed down. Not fully better yet, but a lot better than the last few days

I do not think my sickness was entirely anxiety over the clinic visit - but it probably did make it worse, as for whatever reason I have been very unwell for several days.

But also Caja and I argued the night before the clinic visit and arguments with Caja are theses days the only thing that can truly push me over the edge - and as I was already stressing over the clinic visit - it did.

But Barry rescued the day a little as she went to work and said she was moving out again - going to her flat and not coming back!!!!

And while I think it is daft we are paying for a student flat she never stays in - I do like here here, we argue about things like her not doing any domestic chores at all - she does not even do her own washing most of the time as Barry does her washing for her as I don't like washing much myself so he does most of this job while I do the housework and most of the cooking.....
and Caja will cook, but never washes up or tidies the k8itchen and NEVER tidies her room or any other room!!!!!

But I love her and prefer her to be home - As far as it is possible with HIV I want to be a 'normal' Family, whatever that is and while when Caja does go to University and leaves home this is fine..........................
BUT i can not cope with her going off in a huff and not coming home for months as she did when she was 17!!!

So Barry saved the day by going to collect her from her work and persuading her to come home and not go off in a temper - and explaining to her that I was very stressed/scared over the clinic in the morning and was feeling unwell, so over reacted and shouted at her - the problem between us is not that we argue as anyone living in the same house argues

But the difficulty is i can not stand her being angry with me and withdrawing her respect and love........which is what she does - and her love for me is not unconditional as I would want it to be.......but very conditional. And I just find this hard to cope with .

as when I am angry with her I still love her, but she does not love me when she is angry with me - or at least she says that she does not - and I have probl3ems with coping with rejection and withdrawal of affection/respect/love ...

So when Caja and I argue it all goes wrong and gets out of hand because i over -react and she then says she is leaving home and this reduces me to hysterics!!!!!!!!!!

This is what happened and it was jsut really bad timing when I was feeling so unwell and was worried about the clinic in the morning.

But Barry persuaded her to come home -0 she did and everything seems fine now. I think had she gone that night she may not have been back for a while and we both would have been upset, so I am so glad she came back as she does not really want to live elsewhere - least I do not think so?

The other thing that happened was one of our moderators on the Post Natal forum had a crisis............. it all seemed to kick off about the same time I was having this with Caja

and due to my own problems I was bloody useless and unable to be of any help to anyone!!!!!!

As of course this affected some of the other moderators as well , as we do feel very close to each other and if one person is in crisis it affects us all.

but I was unable to help at all - could not even speak to one that rang me, not even the next morning as by then I was still feeling ill and trying to get my self together for the clinic.

So this also threw me into self doubt as to whether I should be involved in the PNI charity I started any more!!

will write about this later

But at least I did get to the clinic and discussed my starting HIV medication - probaby next week

I will write about this also later
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