Monday, 28 January 2008

Today I feel ill 28/01/08

It has been a very difficult day for me today

Because I could not at first today phone or go and see Barry because I was just so damn angry with him that he had had sex and put us at risk and then - even when diagnosed HIV and them me diagnosed HIV- he had not even then come clean. He says he actually forgot he had ever done it!!

  • On the one hand I have known Barry a VERY long time, and I know he has never lied to me - that in fact he almost finds it impossible to lie to me
  • On the other I think - how could you ever FORGET that you had had sex with someone else, however brief??

I have a bad memory but I am damn sure I would not have forgotten something like this!!!!!

So while I have every right to be angry with him this doubt also denies me the support I need from him and he from me.
I eventually rang him today- he offered to never come back to us, he said take everything I have and if I recover from this infection I will go away somewhere on my own and leave you everything.

He kept saying

I am so sorry , I am so sorry!
And of course he is!

He is devastated and of course very ill
He is still my Barry and this does not devalue all the great times we have had together and the fact I love him.
I would never leave him and the last thing I want now is for us not to be together.

So we have to go forward from here - and we will - but he is a shit to have not said NO!! The one time it mattered. No is a very easy word.

He has said it to me often enough - so often I have wanted a kiss or a cuddle and of course at times sex and he has said NO more times than I ever have to him.

He fucking did not find it hard to say no to me ever - even when I was 'putting it out' to him because I really wanted it - why did he not say no to this girl!!!!!

But as well as this I have been panicking for myself today .
I am scared that I am getting ill

I know this is probably stress but again I have felt so ill myself today - and have done off and on even before I knew he and I were HIV. I have not felt entirely well for a year and not well at all for about 3 months.

Today I have had constant hot sweats, and nausea. I am OK for a while and then it comes in waves, if I eat anything 10 minutes later I am sick and vomiting and I am so scared of vomiting .

It is probably panic and stress over the situation - god I hope it is!!!!
But if I am right about when he brought this back and when I got infected, I have had HIV only 4 weeks after he did and he is now very ill!!!!

So I can not be sure that what I feel is panic
And right now I feel psychically horrible .

But everyone has been so wonderful , friends and family thank you for your support today

The truth is I am bloody so scared
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