Wednesday, 30 January 2008

I had my tests - CD4 Viral load etc

I spent a few hours at the HIV clinic having my tests/medical today
Barry was let out of the ward to be with me and my feelings were so confused and so mixed.

On the one hand, while he is a little better I can see he is still not at all well at all and of course I love him very much and do not want him to be this ill, but on the other hand I just cannot stop being angry with him.

Not so much now that he made this mistake...............

We are both!! lonely when he is away and miss the touch of bodies the intimacy that due to his job we are BOTH denied when he has to work so far away from us.

But I can not forgive him right now for at least not getting checked at a GU clinic as soon as he came back to the UK , knowing he had taken such a risk and then when he was so ill and then diagnosed with HIV not telling me what he had done
But I HAVE to try to put this behind us

Don't know if I can
But I have to try

Caja came with us to the clinic today. It was really horrible knowing that our lovely 18 year old daughter was having to have an HIV test - not because she had taken risks

( I do not know if she has but that is her own business and I would support her whatever, but that she was at that clinic being checked for HIV NOT because of anything she has done but because what her parents have done)

What could be worse?

What added to the horror of it all is she is phobic about needles and injections, blood tests etc and I asked her last night and agian at he clinic if she wanted me to be with her when she had it, she said yes, both times.
But the HIV clinic nicely manipulated us so we could not be with her when she had the blood test!!

What makes them think they have this right!!!!

I asked to sit with her, Caja asked me to be with her, just for the actual blood test. But she is 18, legally an adult and they said they just had to ask her some questions first, which I totally understand as as she is 18 they would have to ask her questions about her own sexual contacts and activity - which of course she has had - and it would not be appropriate for us to be there as she needs to talk to the clinic herself about this OF COURSE!!

We completely respect her privacy
All I asked was to be allowed to be her mum and be with her when they did the actual blood test

But while we were kept occupied in another room they took her tests!!!!!!!
Without me and without giving me the option of sitting with her .

I am so angry - everything about this makes me angry!!!

There was totally nothing to do, I was so powerless -by the time I realised the test was done and they were ushering her out the door to go back to college or whatever......
.......tried to phone her but she is not yet back from college

Did they care how she was feeling , did they have any respect for how we felt?
It seems when you have HIV you have no rights
not even to support your own child.

Today they denied me the right to be her mum and support her.
The did not even do it out front and with honesty
If they had said no - you can not be with her while she has her test, this would be one thing.

But they were totally manipulative and dishonest. They kept us occupied in another room and did the test without telling us that this was what they were doing .

She is my daughter , my child do they really have this right even if she is 18, legally an adult especialy as she asked me to be there ??????????????????????????????????

And this is not anything of her doing, she is an innocent victim of this- even having to have the test I see as an abuse imposed by Barry and me
Surely it was my right to be 'allowed' to support her through it ?

Caja left and I had no option but to continue with my medical and my tests etc

My tests will not come back for at least a week - to find out what my HIV status is and if I need medication

At the moment I do not care about me or Barry - I just need to know that she is OK and not HIV positive too

And I HATE that clinic and the way they do things
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