Tuesday, 29 January 2008

I Heard it Through the Grapevine

I was driving to see my counselor today, she is not an HIV counsellor but a great counselor

When the song, 'I Heard it Through the Grapevine' this was not the original version but one by Credence Clearwater Revival that I have never heard before. But it was very good perhaps better than the original.

And I just had to stop
The tears poured
Every word seemed to apply to my situation.

And in addition to it being one of my favorite songs from my youth it is one that 'morbidly' I have speculated I will play at Barry's funeral or he at mine.
As the words are just so appropriate for a final parting

i.e I heard it through the grapevine. that much longer will you be mine

But while the rest of the words are not so and may not apply to my situation , but somehow they still hit my heart and seemed meaningful for my situation with Barry now.

Not all of them but some words really hit home i.e

I heard it through the grapevine

( you did not tell me yourself that you had had sex with a Brazilian and that is why you got HIV, I had to force it out of you when I already knew because I had put two and two together )

That no longer will you be mine
( you are going to die, you are going leave me but not for another woman and certainly not the Brazilian girl you screwed, she is probably already dead by now, - I am actually so sorry for her too, I bet she did not get the benefit of the medical treatment we will - but you will leae us for your maker, who ever he or she is ...........
Maybe not this or next week but you have not got many years now you have theses symptoms)

Ooh, I bet you're wondering how I knew
About you're plans to make me blue

( you must have thought I would never realised otherwise why not even come clean when the chips were down and you had HIV. I bet you did wonder how I knew you had been unfaithful? but it does not take rocket science, I am not stupid but now I wonder if you are, and I know you very well and for 20 or more years)

You know I love you more.
( actually I do love you more but I am also VERY angry with you too)

It took me by surprise I must say,
When I found out yesterday.
( despite the impossibility of you getting HIV from anything but sex I wanted to believe so much so it did take me by surprise - I must be as stupid as you)

Oh and I'm just about to lose my mind.
( either that or I have already lost it!)

People say believe half of what you see, Son, and none of what you hear.
( I believed what I saw i.e you portrayed yourself as, a loving faithful family man, I believed all of what I heard from you i.e the times I have heard you say to others and to me how you could not understand anyone who was unfaithful or interested in wife swapping, illicit affairs, one night stands, open marriages etc, it just was not for you apparently , what a mug I was!!)

I can't help bein' confused
If it's true please tell me dear?


( I am fucking confused and if it was true - which it was - why did you not admit it from the start, why did you try to make me believe - and everyone else - that you got HIV from medical procedures when you knew you had not!!

Shame I suppose, but it is too late for shame what you should have been ashamed about was having sex with a woman in Brazil, where HIV is rife, without a thought for your wife and child back home )

And then once you had, not having the nonce to go to the GU clinic for a test for all STDs not just HIV - that is what is shameful)

Don't you know
( no you did not seem to know what you were risking and that is what is so incredible.

If I had ever had sex with anyone else in the last 25 years, even if I used safer sex, the first thing I would have done is to gone to the STD clinic - the second thing I would have done whatever the results would have been to tell you!!)


You could have told me yourself

( telling me yourself and not letting me have to guess and confront you would have just made so much difference - you coward)


Losin' you would end my life you see,
Cause you mean that much to me.

( despite it all that is how I feel, if you die before me , which as you are already ill I guess you will, it will end my life and you do mean that much to me,

despite my anger my main feeling is one of overwhelming sadness for us both

I wil never be able to hear this song again without tears

Here are the words in full ( I have changed them slightly for my situation so that guy reads gal) :

Ooh, I bet you're wondering how I knew
About you're plans to make me blue
With some other gal that you knew before.
Between the two of us gals
You know I love you more.
It took me by surprise I must say,
When I found out yesterday.
Don't you know that...

(Chorus:)I heard it through the grapevine
Not much longer would you be mine.
Oh I heard it through the grapevine,
Oh and I'm just about to lose my mind.
Honey, honey yeah.

I know that a girl ain't supposed to cry,
But these tears I can't hold inside.
Losin' you would end my life you see,
Cause you mean that much to me.
You could have told me yourself
That you love someone else. Instead...

(Chorus)I heard it through the grapevine
Not much longer would you be mine.
Oh I heard it through the grapevine,
Oh and I'm just about to lose my mind.
Honey, honey yeah.

People say believe half of what you see,
Son, and none of what you hear.
I can't help bein' confused
If it's true please tell me dear?
Do you plan to let me go
For the other gal you loved before?
Don't you know...(Chorus)



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