Sunday, 1 January 2017

Dogs, drugs, bands and Chocolate - and other New Year ramblings about my life

Panic over. While cleaning up today and moving and putting away, Christmas decos, sweets, pressies etc. without thinking, while tiding put a small bit left of a chocolate bar lower., that had been safely, with all the chocolate, up high, out of animals reach,

None of our dogs like or will go near chocolate. But we have a guest dog that does, is mad for it!

Maybe its like an addiction for them? Something like alchohol, or speed, tobacco you may find distasteful to smell and even taste a tiny bit until by accident or because someone fed it to you it, ( or you thought it was cool LOL!!) you get addicted!!?

Certainly worked this way with me..

Well not speed, weed, coke, etc. Well it did all of this and more, as but only because it was 'cool'  I did it because it was 'cool' and weed makes me very sick!! So sick I have no idea why I did it more than once?? Even now it makes me sick.  Speed though once I got over the distaste of shoving it down my throat or snorting it, I really so liked it, for a while.

But while tried it all at 13 onward, I have long, since my mid 20s, knocked this on the head, thankfully . But I can rationalise and a dog cannot LOL!

Wish I could now over my later, and sadly legal, addictions

I totally once hated the smell of tobacco. And growing up in the 50s, everyone smoked. We were brought up on cigarette smoke!
My dad was a chain smoker so I hated it. Even our walls and ceilings were yellow with it and my mum did not smoke and did her nut trying to clean the place and keep it nice and smelling nice. As she was partially sighted, this was very hard on her.

So while then on  social occasions then hold a cig in my hand to look cool or take a drag of someone else's - it truly was cool then, believe it or not - it was only for effect on my part.

I did not actually smoke until my early 30s. But at first only socially. To be fair I could not have called myself a smoker at all until I met Barry who is, like my father was, also a chain smoker and is to this day.

I do not see us as joined at the hip. I do not think I am at all. I have spent most of our married life apart from him anyway as she was a seaman. It was only when he retired, when he got HIV, when they basically chucked him out, that he has been home all the time.

But I guess having the odd drag of his, more and more frequently, just to 'join in'?? finally got past my distaste and to the addiction stage????
I so wish I could stop it now, and he. It will kill us both. Worse think you can do if you live with HIV is to smoke tobacco.

I also hated alcohol as a kid. My dad was also an alcoholic. I am not just saying this but he was, but was a functioning alcoholic. This can be harder for all concerned in some ways - as functioning alcoholics rarely seek help until they stop functioning???

He never did, when he died at 80 he had two business on the go and still drinking!!!. And did not die from anything alchohol or smoking related!

But not saying when very young and stupid I did not give both a go.

Which led to some very amusing situations where my very drunk father - he was drunk every night - drove out to Newbury or Basingstoke ( we then lived in Kingsclere which was half way between both and I went out to both to see bands etc)  out to get his - sometimes, but not indeed always by far as it was not really my thing - drunk daughter from 13 years old onward, while totally off his tree himself!!

About 9 miles to Basingstoke , 8 to Newbury. Thankfully a straight road. And in those days, little traffic after 9pm.

The funnest one I remember, and I was sober and had not had anything at all that night. Was when he picked me up from Newbury Plaza, The Cream I thank I had gone to see?
YEP - Found it!! it was the Cream  14th April 1967

And I was about 14 and was there.

And when my dad arrived after, he was when he arrived, paralytic!!
I doubt he could even see!!!!

On the way back he somehow strayed off what was a very straight road from Newbury, through Kingsclere on to Basingstoke.
How anyone could stray from that road I do not know. But he did?

And in the side lane he had got into he drove into a ditch, , front wheels first.
But by chance it was just outside the farmers house? I went and knocked - my dad was slumped at the wheel and unconscious by then. I was not alarmed, it was not unusual -  and the farmer came out................almost as drunk as my dad!!!

 He sympathized with my father. Woke him up, got his tractor out and pulled our car out of the ditch.
Shared another whisky with him and somehow my dad drove me home!!

But you have to understand he was doing his best for me. There were no taxis then at night. He could not see his daughter just hang around until the first bus back - well I had and did in the summer, but he did not feel he could let me do so in the winter, this was April and very cold.

The buses any way in those days was only about once there and once back at day , at most twice each way. Which as the gigs were a Saturday, the next day would be a Sunday and there were no buses on Sunday on that route. And he could not stop me going out.
I was unstoppable in my bid to have a life and see the music I loved.

Unusually I went alone. I did not expect any other young women, certainly not any of the guys as they were so straight, I knew in my village to do what I did and they did not.

Very ironic to me now. As now I ain't even got the courage to go down my local pub on my own!!!!!!!!

If I could avoid him picking me up I would. I took the bus there then often hitched in the summer months, but that was not viable in the winter so would have to find a lift or call my dad. No mobile phones, I found the nearest phonebox. We were very lucky then as my dad had a business so we were lucky to have a phone in our home.Most then did not.

I would often get a lift from an older person back to Kingsclere, 
from Basingstoke or from Newbury, who was at the gig. I was very good at finding lifts.
Some, many,  I had to have sex with in return. But hey top me then, a lift is a lift.

Especially if it avoid being picked up by a very drunk dad or spending a night on the streets in the cold!!

 I once got a lift 8 miles home from Newbury on the back of a mods scooter. Poor guy, he lived in Newbury, took me all the way back to Kingsclear, for just one kiss!!!

But I found I did not like booze as we called it at all and my dads behavior put me right off it, so my experimentation with it was very early 13 to 15

But by my 20s I would drink on social occasions as did not want to seem like I was the party pooper but never more than one!! I really did not like it at all!

Barry when I met him was a real drinker. When I first met him he used to laugh at me as I would make one beer last a whole evening.

Still was a bit like this all our married life until he found out he had got HIV, because basically he had had sex when drunk and it is the drink he sees as to blame - not so sure.. However . Since then he has knocked it on the head

I am not saying I was squeaking clean, just that alcohol at that time was not my thing.

As I did start to appreciate a nice wine and once drunk all Barrys supply of wine when he left me on my own for our first Christmas and New Year together, in Ashton when I knew not a soul.

But it was not regular, by the time I was about 37 I would drink a bit of wine, but then I got pregnant and had a baby after that so did not bother. But one day I found, at around 45, why people drink it!!

Had my first hangover ever after my husbands 50th, 15 years ago!!!

And when I was at a very low ebb and then I found when I had my accident at 50, how while it does not kill pain it sure makes you forget it!! And the loneliness.
I have been addicted to alcohol ever since.

And I started to drink at the exact same to my daughter Caja, from a similar age from me,  also started doing the same as me at age 13 to about 17 when she moved away and got her car license .

As at about 13/14 She also started to go out from this small village to see bands/parties/whatever etc and call me to pick her up, sometimes in the early hours, when I was as by then a drinker . And I was at times drunk. Drunk when picking her up late at night, when drunk, just as my dad had done to me!!!!!! And a drunk in all other ways. Just as my father also was.

And she has never forgiven me.

It was not my fathers drinking that damaged me, not even stuff like nearly killing me several times because he drove me home drunk. I can forgive this and indeed at the time it did not matter. As I knew he picked me up because he cared.
It was the nasty things he said to me while drunk, that did the damage.

And sadly it is the same for my daughter about me!!

What goes around does come around, my mum used to say

Anyway back to the dog

As years ago had a rescue lurcher that was the same about chocolate. She would go mad for it so Christmas was a nightmare keeping it out of her way.

Yet our current dogs even find the smell distasteful. One once licked some left for a second, hoping it was tasty, but recoiled from it and she will eat anything!!

This guest dog is a rescue too and came to its human already with a chocolate addiction. It has sadly done it before at Christmas with its human family here and a few other times. Ate a whole chocolate cake once. Not its humans fault. Someone else left it within reach.

But due to having this guest dog, that we have often, so we know. We have been careful to keep all chocolate, even biscuits, up out of reach or in tins with with lids safely on and also up high - not that easy if you have a guest/guests that do not have dogs so do not understand. This is essential as this dog is tall enough to reach any work surface.

I forgot for just a minute and the dog ate the chocolate.

I did a check, body weight, amount eaten and it will be OK. There is little or no risk from the amount our guest dog ate.
If you want to check too, you can here.

Pity we cannot check at the time about the chances of damaging our children!!

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