Thursday, 22 April 2010

My torn ligaments - very depressing

 On the 29/3/10 I fell and tore the ligaments in my right ankle - not a problem you may think ?/ No BIG Deal!!
But try having an ankle fusion on the other ankle, Living with HIV and working for yourself where whether you are disabled or not - you have no choice - you have to work even if you have to crawl to do it!!

Thanks all - I am not completely stuck in the house but as I live up an unmade track which I cant walk down - and it only gets me to a village that has nothing not even a shop anyway!! and with an ankle fusion on my left ankle which means I have to drive an automatic car and now ligaments on my right I am pretty much dependent on my husband right now to drive me everywhere, and I hate being dependent like this.

But what is depressing me so much is from being a very fit person who rode at least 3 times a week,worked & led an active life, walked my dogs and cycled that it then took me about 2 years to be able to walk reasonably at all after the accident then the fusion means I will always need a stick at times then while recovering from the fusion the HIV diagnosis came which knocked me for six - just such a shock as I am sure you know.

But then I was in the last 8 months really being proactive and fighting back and doing really well. My ankle fusion pain had settled down and I was going to aqua aerobics, Gym, Zumba and a choir & had lost a bit of weight that I really needed to do as it helps my ankles and knees to be lighter....

But then on the 29/3 I fell and tore my ligament in the other leg ankle and have not been able to do any of my activities except the choir - and then my husband has to take me, I have put on a stone and missed the last PozFem meeting in London: http://www.poz-fem-uk.org/


Because  I felt could not go on the train & carry my bags on my own, not could I do the walking involved for the itinerary.

The feeling of real depression today is I am realizing that my ligament is no better - in fact over the last few days more painful for some reason - and it will take months to get right again & I can do nothing much to make it right as ligaments just take time - but I fear it has undone all the progress I had made.

I'll get over it yes and troupe on, but today I am really fed up - not I feel clinically depressed but really fed up!!!



I may sound very needy right now & so apologize that I do - but I really did spend many years supporting others and not asking anyone for support....

My my mum was right when she used to say
what goes around comes around?

As on one hand I feel bad that I seem to post my needs for support online far too often when in the past I never would have at all .

but at the same time I have supported many, many people online over the years, in fact since 1998 . Some may not know this to be so - but it is so.

But I need support myself now and maybe with HIV - ------

I feel that unless I can get a complete handle on it that works 100% and allows me to live in complete harmony with the fact I have HIV? I so hope so - but I have to accept I may always now be needy online.


BUT

I really do appreciate  all of you that have over the last year or so responded to my posts online and here .

Especially as I know each and every one of you have your own stuff to bear - physical or emotional/mental - and that you are all very brave people.

I may sound very needy right now & so apologize that I do - but I really did spend many years supporting others and not asking anyone for support....

My my mum was right when she used to say
what goes around comes around?

As on one hand I feel bad that I seem to post my needs for support online far too often when in the past I never would have at all .

but at the same time I have supported many, many people online over the years, in fact since 1998 . Some may not know this to be so - but it is so.

But I need support myself now and maybe with HIV - ------

Unless I can get a complete handle on it that works 100% and allows me to live in complete harmony with the fact I have HIV? I so hope so - but I have to accept I may always now be needy online

Love you all
 
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