I know we are all supposed to be cheery over this period and I do try. I do 'usually' try to make the most of it and make it good for any that join us for the period. But this time I failed. Except for Christmas day. When between me and Barry we managed to cook a Christms lunch and make it Ok for our guests. But other wise I failed this year.
It has always been a difficult time for me, and for my dad. Which is one of the reasons it has always been difficult for me. But also the Christmases on the streets or in squats, or once I'd sorted myself the years when I had no where to go on Christmas and even had a boiled egg one time for my Christmas lunch - but actually that was not too bad as I spent the time making a cupboard for the flat to hide my emersion heater and succeeded all on my own, So that one was not to bad really. Then the so many years when Barry was at sea at Christmas, especially when I had my daughter and she wanted Christmas to be special, But it was just me and her and while I tried I could not seem to make it special enough.
But that is the past and in later years I have tried to make it good, or good enough.
But anyway this year.
Mentally and physically so ill. Mentally on full meltdown.
And then to do it publicly on Facebook!!
Facebook in one way is a lifesaver. As it is the only way I have to keep in touch with so many old friends and relatives. And indeed those I know now, even the village community I live in as I so rarely see anyone.
But on the other hand Facebook is the reason I have so few friends especially local. As due to my using it to rant when in meltdown,
No ones fault but my own. But we both went down with a nasty bug on about the 21st and neither of us are over it yet. Started as a nasty cold but then nausea and me vomiting and neither of us with any appetite at all, still haven't.
I freak out if I vomit as I am emectophobic and drink brandy to try to blot it out, a terrible combination.
Then I got a letter from an old friend. Who meant well and said some lovely things like how she misses and thinks of me. But for me it dragged up the past, my accident, her illness later and especially the dire mistakes I made with my own and only birth daughter, that I will regret for the rest of my life. I just did not need to be reminded although I know she meant so well.
It has always been a difficult time for me, and for my dad. Which is one of the reasons it has always been difficult for me. But also the Christmases on the streets or in squats, or once I'd sorted myself the years when I had no where to go on Christmas and even had a boiled egg one time for my Christmas lunch - but actually that was not too bad as I spent the time making a cupboard for the flat to hide my emersion heater and succeeded all on my own, So that one was not to bad really. Then the so many years when Barry was at sea at Christmas, especially when I had my daughter and she wanted Christmas to be special, But it was just me and her and while I tried I could not seem to make it special enough.
But that is the past and in later years I have tried to make it good, or good enough.
But anyway this year.
Mentally and physically so ill. Mentally on full meltdown.
And then to do it publicly on Facebook!!
Facebook in one way is a lifesaver. As it is the only way I have to keep in touch with so many old friends and relatives. And indeed those I know now, even the village community I live in as I so rarely see anyone.
But on the other hand Facebook is the reason I have so few friends especially local. As due to my using it to rant when in meltdown,
No ones fault but my own. But we both went down with a nasty bug on about the 21st and neither of us are over it yet. Started as a nasty cold but then nausea and me vomiting and neither of us with any appetite at all, still haven't.
I freak out if I vomit as I am emectophobic and drink brandy to try to blot it out, a terrible combination.
Then I got a letter from an old friend. Who meant well and said some lovely things like how she misses and thinks of me. But for me it dragged up the past, my accident, her illness later and especially the dire mistakes I made with my own and only birth daughter, that I will regret for the rest of my life. I just did not need to be reminded although I know she meant so well.
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