Wednesday, 10 February 2010

Depression has Hit

When I was first diagnosed, after the initial shock I thought I was coping wth this so well.
And I sort of did not understand when some with HIV said it took them 3 to 5 years to accept their diagnosis and to find a way to cope - or that long to decide to come out about being HIV.

Not being out I understood that this was a choice and notal woudl be out abotu being HIV+ or could be due to their own personal situation and circumstanses .
But to be honest it never relay entered my head NOT to be out abotu being HIV+ .
I honeslty could not see how it would be any different form havign a number of lifelong or incurable illnesses?

Call me naive - as I obviously  was and am.
It is to late for me to go back on being out now
And really I do not regret that decision.
What I do regret is that in deciding to be out about being HIV has seemed to have alienated me from all others in my area of the UK - Cornwall - who also have HIV?

Sadly while I knew that living with HIv would not be easy, I naively expected to gain a network of people in Cornwal who were also HIV+ to relate to for peer and mutual support
People I could have a chat with when down , those who I could share the particular aspcts of living with HIV that it is hard to understand if you are not HIV.

And indeed I know I am certainly not at all alone in having HIV in Cornwall. There are loads of us here.
But not one seems to want to relate to me as any kind of friend.
The source of my depression is feeling currently so isolated.

Those who I know who do not have HIV - and that is everyone really I know here in Cornwall an who are near enough to meet face to face, apart from my husband and a couple of others I have met often very briefly - have been great and have tired , but do not really understand, or if they do I do not feel they do.
None have openly at least discriminated or stigmatized me - but at the same time few bother to ever contact me or relate to me anymore, so I feel totally isolated.

And those in Cornwall who do have HIV seem to not want to know me at all becasue I am open .

Its the pits.
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