Wednesday, 10 February 2010

Depression has Hit

When I was first diagnosed, after the initial shock I thought I was coping wth this so well.
And I sort of did not understand when some with HIV said it took them 3 to 5 years to accept their diagnosis and to find a way to cope - or that long to decide to come out about being HIV.

Not being out I understood that this was a choice and notal woudl be out abotu being HIV+ or could be due to their own personal situation and circumstanses .
But to be honest it never relay entered my head NOT to be out abotu being HIV+ .
I honeslty could not see how it would be any different form havign a number of lifelong or incurable illnesses?

Call me naive - as I obviously  was and am.
It is to late for me to go back on being out now
And really I do not regret that decision.
What I do regret is that in deciding to be out about being HIV has seemed to have alienated me from all others in my area of the UK - Cornwall - who also have HIV?

Sadly while I knew that living with HIv would not be easy, I naively expected to gain a network of people in Cornwal who were also HIV+ to relate to for peer and mutual support
People I could have a chat with when down , those who I could share the particular aspcts of living with HIV that it is hard to understand if you are not HIV.

And indeed I know I am certainly not at all alone in having HIV in Cornwall. There are loads of us here.
But not one seems to want to relate to me as any kind of friend.
The source of my depression is feeling currently so isolated.

Those who I know who do not have HIV - and that is everyone really I know here in Cornwall an who are near enough to meet face to face, apart from my husband and a couple of others I have met often very briefly - have been great and have tired , but do not really understand, or if they do I do not feel they do.
None have openly at least discriminated or stigmatized me - but at the same time few bother to ever contact me or relate to me anymore, so I feel totally isolated.

And those in Cornwall who do have HIV seem to not want to know me at all becasue I am open .

Its the pits.

4 comments:

オテモヤン said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Winegirl said...

I understand how you are feeling, I totally get it. And that is why I am feeling so sad for you.

I do not have any answers, which as you will know knowing me, puts me in a weird place.

But I guess really I just wanted to post to let you know that someone cares and is with you on your journey xx

Anonymous said...

I know exactly how you feel. I have been diagnosed for a year now, having found out when my husband of 20+ years (to whom I have always been faithful) was very ill and diagnosed last year. He also worked abroad and had a "one night stand", so stupidly without a condom. We haven't disclosed yet for a number of reasons, he still works away, and apart from a brief visit for my bloods every 3 months I can talk to nobody about the thing that is with me everyday. Mostly I don't let it bother me but something happened recently which sent me spiralling down and I SOOOO desperately needed to speak to someone. I can see the HIV counseller but as you say, she isn't infected so whilst she's sympathetic it was empathy I needed. It would be nice if there was someone you could phone every now and then. But then it wouldn't change our situation, so maybe we're just looking for answers that don't exist, that even if we had someone to talk to we would come off the phone feeling as bad as before we started the conversation. Like you I have taken to writing it down to offload.

I really do feel for you, and, not that it helps much, but I just wanted you to know that you are thought of. xx

Veritee said...

What can I say anonymous??

I am very grateful that you have made contact and commented on my blog.

It seems we are in exactly the same position having acquired HIV from our husbands who work/worked away.

I understand why you may wish to be completely anonymous and respect this totally but I so wish you could feel up to contacting me veritee@veritee.net as I would never share your status with anyoen but I do know and am in contact with some support out there that is useful for woman in our position.

Also it would be nice to feel we could offer each other some peer support?

I will leave it up to you

Veritee XXX