Tuesday, 6 October 2009

Caja -Sad circles within circles

It is good that my lovely Caja will not read this !

She will not as she has deleted me from her Facebook and has understandably long preferred not to read what I blog here.

So I feel it is 'safe' for me to post it here - I so hope because I do not want her ever to read this. This is for not her and it is NOT her concern - it is my stuff.

Sadly, when I made my life so public in order to lend support to others who suffered PNI - Post Natal Illness - unfortunately the side effect I did not predict was I made my very private daughters life public too........

Part of the problem between us is she is a very private person and I am so totally the opposite as you may have guessed!

If I was not a public person I would not be blogging my life for anyone who wishes to to read.
Caja hates this particularly about me

As if I disclose about my life inadvertently I disclose about hers . So she now chooses to tell and share with me as little of her life as possible.

Understandably as the little I know the less of Caja's life I can disclose when blogging my own

That was not fair on her and one of the reasons I can no longer go on the forum I created
for http://www.pni.org.uk
It is a never ending destructive circle between me and Caja regarding our relationship .

If I am to have her trust I need to not be myself - something I can not do.....sadly not even for her.

So we go round in never ending circles - with me getting sadder and sadder that she does not love me just as I am for what I am or despite who I am , and thus writing about my sadness online and blogging it more and more ..............

and this leads to her being less able or likely to relate to me because she is a private person who will never relate to anyone emotionally who is public about their emotions and private life

So understandably this morning Barry is not speaking to me !!
And I have to stop upsetting him like this as he is all I have left now.

As when doing a montage of our family photos for my living room I got so sad and freaked out last night and told him my life had come to nothing because my daughter does not even speak to me - and in part blamed him when in fact it is not his fault at all - he did his best and we can only ever do our best

The trouble is I really do not have a normal relationship with my daughter - and right now that is all that is important to me - that I make my peace with her and have a bit of a normal relationship with her.

For example.

She stayed here in early summer this year for 4 days - not to see us but to see her childhood & other friends. She hardly spoke to me and when she did it was basically just one word and made it plain she wanted me to stay out of her way. I tried to hug her a couple of times and she just pushed me away.
I felt so hurt it was painful

Since then - about June and it is now October!!!- I have not heard from her in any way or had a single conversation with her. I have tried .....I have MSNed her and texted her but she never replies....

I accept that she has left home - and as she pointed out a while back ............ she left home when she was 17 and is now 20 so it is about time I accepted this ......and she now lives over 260 miles away and does not want to speak or relate to me.

So I have to find a way of coming to terms with this!! - But it is tearing me apart and it is tearing Barry and me apart

I know in the cold light of day it can not be all my own fault or Barrys i.e the situation with Caja but I do know that half the problem was how angry I get when I have had a drink and that towards the later part of her life with me when she would do nothing round the house and my leg was so painful I could not do it, I was OK until I had a wine or two then I would get nasty and this drove her away - so that was so totally my fault.

But I am so sad.

I had dreams of a time Barry would be home full time - but not like this............... not due to HIV - and a time when we had paid off our mortgage and we could enjoy ourselves as a family.

I knew Caja probably would not be living at home by then but I was looking forward to lovely visits when she told me about her life and what she was doing and hugged me hello and goodbye .

Not the situation I have now that Caja does not talk to me ever

I am feeling so sorry for myself - which while this may be hard to believe from my ramblings here, is something pretty new to me as I never used to indulge in self pity - Up to about 4 years ago I just trucked on.

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